So tomorrow marks ten weeks since my dad died and Fathers day is also creeping upon us. It's finally begun to hit me. I have a difficult time talking about how I really feel. I can blab about my opinion, the news, fashion and other nonsense yet my true, raw emotions are harder for me to bear. I struggle with being vulnerable.
So this is my attempt to open up a bit.
Most of you have tried to reach out, but the time for me to talk hasn't been right yet. And I do appreciate everyone who has lent a shoulder to cry on. Thank you so much. I worry that when I attempt to share my daily blunders I will be burdening all of you, however I am so thankful for friends who keep coming back for more of my misfortunes to share the pain with me. I know that none of my friends can take my pain away, no matter how much they try, but they can lighten the load especially the days I am wandering down some very dismal paths. I thank you for listening to me, as I fondly recall story after story of my dad & I. Thank for your patience & your quiet smile, I know its hard not always having the right words to say, but just listening helps. All I have I left are the stories, memories and jokes about my dad, the imprints he left behind I hope will never be forgotten. Thank you for helping me keep his cherished memory alive.
Since his initial diagnosis in January, I have consistently refused to deal with my dad's illness on what some would call a " healthy level", unless you consider 3 trips to the gym each day, 2 hours of sleep each night, and even my constant traveling healthy, all of this is mainly due to my need for control. I've been battling this urge to control my life & everything around me to create stability. Sometimes I've found it, but I usually don't. And yes, trust me, I know God is the only one who has absolute control over my life or give me peace & security. Yes, yes I know that. But right now the only God I know took my dad away from an already hurting family.
For the past several weeks, I have been scrambling to super glue all of the cracks & pieces of my life back together and I just ran out of super glue… My heart is broken, missing a vital link, one that I can't have back. I have run out of answers for myself, my sister and my mother; it's eating at me. I thought well, even if Dad is gone, I can attempt to be as strong as he was, so that the rest of my family won't be was terrified for the future as I am.
And so now, ten weeks out, my mom zones in and out of a depressed stupor,( I wrote this on May 19 and my mom was very depressed)most of time, mom cries in a healthy way, my sister is anxious & unsure about her future, my extended family is either condescending or overly cautious, and I, I find myself caught. Caught walking the boundaries of where I have to stop saying yes to my family at my own expense and where I start to pursue my own dreams, goals and adventures, the same ones that used to make my dad so proud.
Barack Obama came to Roseburg in mid May and it was such a bittersweet event. While my dad was in the hospital in Portland, I would call him almost hourly & inform him of the latest happenings at the Boise Obama office. He would tenderly give me advice on how to approach adversity and then laugh with, but usually at, me for the ridiculous things I'd said and done that day. Every time I came to visit, he'd always humor me, and together we would watch CSPAN, CNN, MSNBC, etc for their nightly coverage of the elections. I'd buy him the daily paper yet by the time it made it to his room, it would be crumpled from my thrashing, he would ask me what I had read and we would discuss it. My dad was a huge fan of Michelle Obama; every time that he would watch her speak he would call me with his intelligent and unique commentary.
I felt a stab in my heart on that Saturday, seeing his cohorts, friends and fellow church members at an event he would he so thoroughly enjoy. I hate knowing that for the rest of my life, I will be faced with wonderful and tragic events, all of which I will face without being able to hold my father's hand. I again felt that stab while I was working in Montana, so much happened during the days leading up to my campaign visit as well the days that followed, it hurt so much knowing, no matter how much I wanted to call him to cry, laugh or celebrate, I couldn't do so. Senator Obama won the nomination while I was in Montana, I was out canvassing when I heard the news, a part of me was sad that I couldn't share that history making moment with him, yet another part of me, was filled with joy, I knew how proud he was of me, not only for getting involved but for standing up for my convictions, and with my hard work I had a hand in making history, with my dad smiling down from Heaven.
Now, honestly I am so bitter right now. Its Fathers Day weekend, a holiday that was always so easy to celebrate. My dad was the most amazing person I've ever known. He was the world's best cheerleader & an eternal optimist, yet with a firm grasp on reality and truth. My dad never wanted me to stop dreaming. Anything I have ever wanted to do or become he encouraged whole-heartedly. From outer space to spiders to history and politics, my dad would explore every topic that had caught my fancy for that week. He not only encouraged learning but he lead by example, he constantly challenged me to question what I know and change my thinking or outlook to comprehend a topic more in depth. It was irritating at times but he always pushed me to achieve to my potential, not what the world calls number one but for me to be my number one.
And with such an amazing father, who happened to spoil me without fail, I never grew tired of being a daddy's girl or holding my dad's hand when we would cross-busy city streets. And the day I had to tell my dad I had been raped, pained me, for I could see in his eyes how much that destroyed him, knowing that for the first time in his life, he couldn't save his baby girl. That summer, while we were in Seaside, he held my hand a little bit tighter as we walked down the promenade. My mom always instructed my sister and I to marry a man like our father, this is why my dad met less than 10% of the guys I've dated. I was worried he would see through what I already knew, these guys are nothing like him and will probably never measure up to be the person I deserve beside me in life.
His colleagues at the ESD, remember how at least once a week I could show up at his office, insisting he take me out to lunch or contribute to my coffee fund, usually both, and he would just smile, looking up from the mountains of paperwork that never seemed to escape his desk, finish his email, grab his coat and walk with me to the Chinese place a block away. Or the days, he was too busy to leave his desk, I'd pick him up a coke, hot coffee & some Safeway takeout and we would have an office picnic, in between his conference calls, impromptu meetings and other tasks that needed to be dealt with. No matter how tense he was that day about sp-ed funding or a new program needing to be re evaluated, my dad created an office atmosphere that I always felt loved in, even if I was interrupting a meeting with a state senator.
I loved my dad more than I can express. I am fighting myself from running through the "what ifs", What if I had told I loved him one more time, what if I gave him one more hug or what if I hadn't gone to class the day he died…
There are some experiences in life that you can look back on, with a slight smile knowing how hard that instance was go to get through yet the end result was worth. I am confident this is NOT one of those situations. I am asking for patience and understanding, as I have simply begun this journey of pain, heartache and worst of all, uncertainty. Some of you have already begun this same journey or sadly walking alongside me, feeling the same hurt. Please keep me in your prayers.
Lynsey
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
two months without Steve
It's been two months since Steve's death. It's still hard to even say the word "death" and not feel this terrible pang in my chest. Yes, he's gone and how I wish I were gone as well. The longing pain is terrible. I cry daily and then try to take another step. I never knew the pain would be so sharp and so intense. The loneliness without him is so hard. I miss him so badly. Knowing that I will never have this wonderful man beside me is the hardest emotion to grasp. I don't believe I'll ever fully appreciate how very devastating his death is going to be for the rest of my life.
I continue to read books on grief and may attend my first grief support group next week. I wonder if I'll ever love again. I feel so empty and wonder if I'll ever be whole again. A big part of me is missing and I don't know where I go to get that part back or if I'll ever be whole again.
Household repairs are starting to show their ugly face. I can't manage the pool without Steve. It's an old system and the filter and pump are so old, they need to be replaced. That will be an expensive project and scares me to death. And of course I don't know how to work the sytem like Steve did, because that was Steve's job and I never paid attention.
The Smith family has been so wonderful. This past weekend, May 31, they all came out in mass to do a whole day of "extreme home makeover for mj's house". Many of you have been hearing about the "illusive pipe under the kitchen/bathroom floor that Steve has been digging for years". Well, the pipe problem finally got fixed, thanks to a wonderful plumber and a gentlemen on an excavator. These guys came out on the hottest day of the year and proceeded to tear down my front fence, ripped off my side deck of the house, just to get close enough to the back of the house to find the pipe leading under the house.
After all was said and done, the project got finished. Praise the Lord!! Sandy, the excavator driver wouldn't allow me to pay him. I was so thankful for his kindness. And Darrin, the plumber only took a portion of what he would have been paid. So I am so thankful that wonderful people have stepped in during this painful time.
Then my girlfriend, Kathy Gagnon, from Boise drove over to help me clean out closets, rooms,& garage. Going through stuff, boxing items up, storing them in a storage unit, getting items ready for garage sale/or Goodwill. Plus we made many trips to the dump. She was such a wonderful gift from God. I can't walk through a room and know what to do with a piece of paper, let alone know how to make massive decisions on where years of accummulations should go. Thank you Kathy!! You'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me.
Then on Saturday, May 31, the Smith clan showed up in mass to put things back together for me. Craig and the other Smith brothers cut down my mimosa tree at front of the house. The roots were causing problems with the pipes to the sidewalk, so we needed to eliminate that. So the tree came down. Then they built me a new front fence, new fence gate, and placed a new arbor in front of the gate. It looks great. They even painted the fence, so it looks finished. Planted a clematis on each side of arbor and hopefully will grow quickly to cover the arbor that is Plastic and NOT historic. When you live in Oakland and live in a historic house, the historic commission asks that you abide by rules of NOT using plastic, since plastic ISN'T historic!! Oh well, plastic doesn't rot during the Oregon rains.
Then the guys shoveled 3-4 yards of sand to put under the concrete that Steve spend hours of digging out to find the stupid pipe that wasn't where he thought it was. So lots of sand had to be filled in.
Then the guys tore off my upper deck outside my bedroom and replaced the floor and railings. The job was almost finished, but we were 4 spindles short. So when the spindles are replaced, we can paint and stain the deck.
The gals in the meantime, put my wallpaper border up in my bathroom. It looks sharp. Thanks to Deana, Debbie, Sasha, Emily and Grandma Charlene. They got'er done!!
So it was a long day. An emotinal day without Steve. I am so used to Craig, Lee and Steve bantering to each other about "measure twice, cut once". Or who's slacking and who's not! Plus they were always kidding each other and every one else. I missed that. And so I cried most of the day, knowing Steve would be so proud of his family and all the hard work they did for me and our home.
Then Mitch and Ken (Deana's finance) were tying to assist me in trying to get my pool filter and pump to work. That's a tiring job and one I am praying that the Lord will help me find an answer. I've had Rob the pool serviceman out, but I can't seem to get the problem fixed.
So just the many trying issues of learning how to live in an old house without my man and his guidance.
Steve is going to be awarded the COSA Presidents Award in Seaside, Oregon on June 19.
I have rented a beach house for the family to come and stay throughout the weekend to be with me. Being able to hear the wonderful things that will be said about Steve is comforting to me. I know how wonderful he was and is. So it'll be great to hear Scott Perry, the president of COSA reaffirm what we all know to be true.
The days are hard. Nothing seems to help.
I am so thankful for friends who step up to assist me. Even when I don't know that I need the assistance. I am so thankful for family who love me during this very painful process. I'm thankful that Steve's family is so caring, so hard working, so aware of the needs of my home, and how overwhelmed I am with the magnitude of caring for a historic home.
Please pray for Lynsey. She is suffering and acting out in ways that are not healthy. Please pray that I can follow in Steve's lead, what Steve would have done. What wisdom he would have shown. These times are tough.
I pray for guidance and wisdom in making decisions on this house. I pray that I can find someone to assist me with the pool, with the side deck in rebuilding it and making a courtyard. Debbie, my sister, has a picture in her head of how to make a courtyard and a memorial garden to Steve. So I pray that we can finish that project without me getting overwhelmed.
mj
I continue to read books on grief and may attend my first grief support group next week. I wonder if I'll ever love again. I feel so empty and wonder if I'll ever be whole again. A big part of me is missing and I don't know where I go to get that part back or if I'll ever be whole again.
Household repairs are starting to show their ugly face. I can't manage the pool without Steve. It's an old system and the filter and pump are so old, they need to be replaced. That will be an expensive project and scares me to death. And of course I don't know how to work the sytem like Steve did, because that was Steve's job and I never paid attention.
The Smith family has been so wonderful. This past weekend, May 31, they all came out in mass to do a whole day of "extreme home makeover for mj's house". Many of you have been hearing about the "illusive pipe under the kitchen/bathroom floor that Steve has been digging for years". Well, the pipe problem finally got fixed, thanks to a wonderful plumber and a gentlemen on an excavator. These guys came out on the hottest day of the year and proceeded to tear down my front fence, ripped off my side deck of the house, just to get close enough to the back of the house to find the pipe leading under the house.
After all was said and done, the project got finished. Praise the Lord!! Sandy, the excavator driver wouldn't allow me to pay him. I was so thankful for his kindness. And Darrin, the plumber only took a portion of what he would have been paid. So I am so thankful that wonderful people have stepped in during this painful time.
Then my girlfriend, Kathy Gagnon, from Boise drove over to help me clean out closets, rooms,& garage. Going through stuff, boxing items up, storing them in a storage unit, getting items ready for garage sale/or Goodwill. Plus we made many trips to the dump. She was such a wonderful gift from God. I can't walk through a room and know what to do with a piece of paper, let alone know how to make massive decisions on where years of accummulations should go. Thank you Kathy!! You'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me.
Then on Saturday, May 31, the Smith clan showed up in mass to put things back together for me. Craig and the other Smith brothers cut down my mimosa tree at front of the house. The roots were causing problems with the pipes to the sidewalk, so we needed to eliminate that. So the tree came down. Then they built me a new front fence, new fence gate, and placed a new arbor in front of the gate. It looks great. They even painted the fence, so it looks finished. Planted a clematis on each side of arbor and hopefully will grow quickly to cover the arbor that is Plastic and NOT historic. When you live in Oakland and live in a historic house, the historic commission asks that you abide by rules of NOT using plastic, since plastic ISN'T historic!! Oh well, plastic doesn't rot during the Oregon rains.
Then the guys shoveled 3-4 yards of sand to put under the concrete that Steve spend hours of digging out to find the stupid pipe that wasn't where he thought it was. So lots of sand had to be filled in.
Then the guys tore off my upper deck outside my bedroom and replaced the floor and railings. The job was almost finished, but we were 4 spindles short. So when the spindles are replaced, we can paint and stain the deck.
The gals in the meantime, put my wallpaper border up in my bathroom. It looks sharp. Thanks to Deana, Debbie, Sasha, Emily and Grandma Charlene. They got'er done!!
So it was a long day. An emotinal day without Steve. I am so used to Craig, Lee and Steve bantering to each other about "measure twice, cut once". Or who's slacking and who's not! Plus they were always kidding each other and every one else. I missed that. And so I cried most of the day, knowing Steve would be so proud of his family and all the hard work they did for me and our home.
Then Mitch and Ken (Deana's finance) were tying to assist me in trying to get my pool filter and pump to work. That's a tiring job and one I am praying that the Lord will help me find an answer. I've had Rob the pool serviceman out, but I can't seem to get the problem fixed.
So just the many trying issues of learning how to live in an old house without my man and his guidance.
Steve is going to be awarded the COSA Presidents Award in Seaside, Oregon on June 19.
I have rented a beach house for the family to come and stay throughout the weekend to be with me. Being able to hear the wonderful things that will be said about Steve is comforting to me. I know how wonderful he was and is. So it'll be great to hear Scott Perry, the president of COSA reaffirm what we all know to be true.
The days are hard. Nothing seems to help.
I am so thankful for friends who step up to assist me. Even when I don't know that I need the assistance. I am so thankful for family who love me during this very painful process. I'm thankful that Steve's family is so caring, so hard working, so aware of the needs of my home, and how overwhelmed I am with the magnitude of caring for a historic home.
Please pray for Lynsey. She is suffering and acting out in ways that are not healthy. Please pray that I can follow in Steve's lead, what Steve would have done. What wisdom he would have shown. These times are tough.
I pray for guidance and wisdom in making decisions on this house. I pray that I can find someone to assist me with the pool, with the side deck in rebuilding it and making a courtyard. Debbie, my sister, has a picture in her head of how to make a courtyard and a memorial garden to Steve. So I pray that we can finish that project without me getting overwhelmed.
mj
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mired down
I continue to walk through sludge. I enter rooms not knowing if I'm just passing through or had planned on doing something wonderful! Life continues on a slow path of pain and despair as we walk this path of grief. I have a stack of books on grief that lie resident on Steve's side of the bed. I read until I fall asleep. I devour these books looking for someone/something to give me hope. So far I haven't found much hope. I read "life will never be as it was" "your life will slowly evolve into a new life that you devise for yourself:--how inspiring. My life with Steve is no longer and I'm to "evolve into something" how exciting!! Do I wake up one morning and say "I think I'll become a scientist" Or I'll take up belly dancing--
I am so sad, so alone, so devastated by the enormonity that I will no longer be loved the way I've been loved for the past 31 years. I feel that a part of my body should be missing..........the hole in my heart continues to bleed and pour all over the ground and no one even notices!
Lynsey and I live together in this large house and we are so much alike that we are in constant battle with each other. Each expressing our grief in a way that makes the other mad. I hear Steve whispering in my ear, "Relax honey, you two are so much alike--it'll be OK." I miss his wisdom, his slow delicious wit. I miss the teasing, the little jokes that only we could enjoy and smile. Where do I but this need?? The books don't address how we are to continue on missing the very essence of our love.
The book says God is our Comforter. I have yet to feel the comfort. I only experience His silence. I don't believe God is present at this time. I felt Him when Steve was so ill and knew that He walked beside us. But since Steve has died, I have yet to feel the love and comfort of the Lord. Did he disappear with Steve?
I feel that my girls & I are sailing in a boat where the waves threaten to overtake us and threaten to drown us in the deep dark seas.
Some days I welcome that thought. Other days I worry there is disaster around the corner coming from another onslaught. Every day brings new devastation. PERS, insurance items. Steve was such a great administrator and wanted to leave us financially OK. Unfortunately, the best laid plans have started to unravel. Lord where are you? Each phone call, each letter, bring a few more depressing pieces of
uncertainty that we will be OK.
We've given our lives to the Lord. He took away my love, my future and right now I fear for my present.
mj
I am so sad, so alone, so devastated by the enormonity that I will no longer be loved the way I've been loved for the past 31 years. I feel that a part of my body should be missing..........the hole in my heart continues to bleed and pour all over the ground and no one even notices!
Lynsey and I live together in this large house and we are so much alike that we are in constant battle with each other. Each expressing our grief in a way that makes the other mad. I hear Steve whispering in my ear, "Relax honey, you two are so much alike--it'll be OK." I miss his wisdom, his slow delicious wit. I miss the teasing, the little jokes that only we could enjoy and smile. Where do I but this need?? The books don't address how we are to continue on missing the very essence of our love.
The book says God is our Comforter. I have yet to feel the comfort. I only experience His silence. I don't believe God is present at this time. I felt Him when Steve was so ill and knew that He walked beside us. But since Steve has died, I have yet to feel the love and comfort of the Lord. Did he disappear with Steve?
I feel that my girls & I are sailing in a boat where the waves threaten to overtake us and threaten to drown us in the deep dark seas.
Some days I welcome that thought. Other days I worry there is disaster around the corner coming from another onslaught. Every day brings new devastation. PERS, insurance items. Steve was such a great administrator and wanted to leave us financially OK. Unfortunately, the best laid plans have started to unravel. Lord where are you? Each phone call, each letter, bring a few more depressing pieces of
uncertainty that we will be OK.
We've given our lives to the Lord. He took away my love, my future and right now I fear for my present.
mj
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Learning how to live a life without the love my life!
It's been 4 weeks since Steve left to be with God and it's been hell on earth for me.
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.
I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.
Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.
People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.
Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.
If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.
Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.
mj
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.
I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.
Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.
People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.
Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.
If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.
Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.
mj
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Steve's Memorial Service and Celebratory Reception
I want to thank all of you who were able to attend Saturday's services. We were so blessed to have so many friends and family in attendance. I am just sorry that I was not able to personally thank everyone in person for attending. Steve would have been genuinely overwhelmed by the many accolades that were given in his honor. The tributes were so gracious and kind (and True)!! Steve loved the Lord and he loved his family and friends. And his greatest wish would be to see everyone again in Heaven with him.
The hard begins for myself and my girls in learning to live a life without him. The ache is very real and very harsh. I have to remember to breathe in and out. And at times I wish I couldn't breathe and could be with him. And in those moments, I know that Steve gave me the task to care for "our girls and grandchild". I miss him so much and don't know how I will live life without him. He was the most caring, kind and generous man. He loved me like no one else ever has or ever will. And to view the rest of my days without him is probably the hardest reality I face. I am angry with God for taking away my soul mate and lover, but realize that I didn't want him to suffer as he had the last night before his death. God answered my prayer and took him home. But the giant hole is so large and my pain so great!!
My friend, Linda Pierce, from Rockford has stayed with me and will return home to Rockford on Thursday. Then I will be all alone and trying to fill the many empty hours of being without Steve.
Lynsey has enrolled in our community college and will be staying at home. But she is dealing with her grief by keeping so busy she can't think.
Amanda is dealing with her grief by crying and spending time with me as much as she can while working and caring for Faith.
I'm not sure what to say.......how does one adjust to life without someone as dynamic a person as Steve? What do I do with my life? How do I care for this huge house by myself? Do I stay in my home? Do I stay in Douglas County?
I feel like I'm walking in sludge. I can't think. I can't process information. I walk into rooms not sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I have lots of busy work to do, e.g life insurance issues, taxes to work on, dig out my house after months of being away from home, try to find a rhythm to life without Steve and
as half a couple, trying to stay sane, & make tear soup. I talked to many of you about the book "Tear Soup" and in reading the book,I realize that time and tears will be my only solace. This journey is not one I recommend for anyone. Plus this journey needs to be taken alone, and occasionally with the help of friends and family.
As I remember the "list" I needed to ask help of. I think of other needs of a widow. There should be a list for widows who are walking this strange & difficult journey alone. Being responsible for a house when your mate was the one in charge of all things mechanical, repairable, and fixable. A daunting task, a task I don't relish doing. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the immense charge of speaking wisdom to my daughters. Words that Steve used so eloquently to them. The quiet strength he had in every situation. Please Lord, what do I do?
I know not what my future holds............but am hopeful that the Lord will hold my hand in the future without Steve.
much love,
mj
The hard begins for myself and my girls in learning to live a life without him. The ache is very real and very harsh. I have to remember to breathe in and out. And at times I wish I couldn't breathe and could be with him. And in those moments, I know that Steve gave me the task to care for "our girls and grandchild". I miss him so much and don't know how I will live life without him. He was the most caring, kind and generous man. He loved me like no one else ever has or ever will. And to view the rest of my days without him is probably the hardest reality I face. I am angry with God for taking away my soul mate and lover, but realize that I didn't want him to suffer as he had the last night before his death. God answered my prayer and took him home. But the giant hole is so large and my pain so great!!
My friend, Linda Pierce, from Rockford has stayed with me and will return home to Rockford on Thursday. Then I will be all alone and trying to fill the many empty hours of being without Steve.
Lynsey has enrolled in our community college and will be staying at home. But she is dealing with her grief by keeping so busy she can't think.
Amanda is dealing with her grief by crying and spending time with me as much as she can while working and caring for Faith.
I'm not sure what to say.......how does one adjust to life without someone as dynamic a person as Steve? What do I do with my life? How do I care for this huge house by myself? Do I stay in my home? Do I stay in Douglas County?
I feel like I'm walking in sludge. I can't think. I can't process information. I walk into rooms not sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I have lots of busy work to do, e.g life insurance issues, taxes to work on, dig out my house after months of being away from home, try to find a rhythm to life without Steve and
as half a couple, trying to stay sane, & make tear soup. I talked to many of you about the book "Tear Soup" and in reading the book,I realize that time and tears will be my only solace. This journey is not one I recommend for anyone. Plus this journey needs to be taken alone, and occasionally with the help of friends and family.
As I remember the "list" I needed to ask help of. I think of other needs of a widow. There should be a list for widows who are walking this strange & difficult journey alone. Being responsible for a house when your mate was the one in charge of all things mechanical, repairable, and fixable. A daunting task, a task I don't relish doing. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the immense charge of speaking wisdom to my daughters. Words that Steve used so eloquently to them. The quiet strength he had in every situation. Please Lord, what do I do?
I know not what my future holds............but am hopeful that the Lord will hold my hand in the future without Steve.
much love,
mj
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Steve's Ties and memorial service
As many of you know, Steve loved children and he found an organization that made "Save the Children" ties and for years our family purchased ties for him to wear to work. He was a "tie- type of guy". So we have decided to celebrate his love of children and ties at his memorial service.
We have discovered that he has dozens of ties and we have one for each of you to wear to the memorial service; should you decide you'd like to wear one. We have picked out ties for many of you to wear. Some are silly; some not--but we'd like you to wear a tie in memory of Steve on Saturday.
With the left over ties we are going to use them as part of the centerpieces on the tables at the reception.
I will attempt to get your ties to you, if possible. If you can come by my house, I will allow you to choose what I have left. Gals, you can wear the tie as a head band, a belt, a scarve or a tie--your choice!
Steve would think this action funny and his wonderful sense of humor would be tickled by your wearing of his ties.
IF you have a fun tie that kind of looks kooky--please wear it in Steve's honor. No one needs to know that the tie you are wearing is Not from Steve's collection.
I'm trying to keep Steve's memory alive without sobbing and this way I think I can, by looking around and seeing his ties on so many that he loved!
If I haven't included everyone, please pass the word along and emphasize that If anyone has a childrens or funny tie of their own, please wear it..
mj
We have discovered that he has dozens of ties and we have one for each of you to wear to the memorial service; should you decide you'd like to wear one. We have picked out ties for many of you to wear. Some are silly; some not--but we'd like you to wear a tie in memory of Steve on Saturday.
With the left over ties we are going to use them as part of the centerpieces on the tables at the reception.
I will attempt to get your ties to you, if possible. If you can come by my house, I will allow you to choose what I have left. Gals, you can wear the tie as a head band, a belt, a scarve or a tie--your choice!
Steve would think this action funny and his wonderful sense of humor would be tickled by your wearing of his ties.
IF you have a fun tie that kind of looks kooky--please wear it in Steve's honor. No one needs to know that the tie you are wearing is Not from Steve's collection.
I'm trying to keep Steve's memory alive without sobbing and this way I think I can, by looking around and seeing his ties on so many that he loved!
If I haven't included everyone, please pass the word along and emphasize that If anyone has a childrens or funny tie of their own, please wear it..
mj
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Preparations for the next week
Hello dear friends,
In preparations for my father's upcoming Memorial/Celebration of Life there are a few things we are asking of you, as if you all of you haven't given us enough yet, HA.
But I promise this is nothing like the infamous " List"
-- If you happen to have pictures of steve, please email them to me (Lynsey) as I will be creating a DVD for his celebration of life.
my email is: nycismykindacity@gmail.com
--If you would like to share a memory of my father at the celebration of life, please write that down or just remember it, because we would love everyone to share if they would like to.
-- Also check out this article written by the News Review our local paper. :)
http://newsreview.info/article/20080404/NEWS/844311900
-- Lastly if you want to help with food that will be served on Saturday please contact Sue Green at 541.672.8415
Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with us during this extremely difficult time.
~Lynsey
In preparations for my father's upcoming Memorial/Celebration of Life there are a few things we are asking of you, as if you all of you haven't given us enough yet, HA.
But I promise this is nothing like the infamous " List"
-- If you happen to have pictures of steve, please email them to me (Lynsey) as I will be creating a DVD for his celebration of life.
my email is: nycismykindacity@gmail.com
--If you would like to share a memory of my father at the celebration of life, please write that down or just remember it, because we would love everyone to share if they would like to.
-- Also check out this article written by the News Review our local paper. :)
http://newsreview.info/article/20080404/NEWS/844311900
-- Lastly if you want to help with food that will be served on Saturday please contact Sue Green at 541.672.8415
Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with us during this extremely difficult time.
~Lynsey
Friday, April 4, 2008
Steve's Memorial Service
My lover, best friend, and husband's Memorial Service will be held on Saturday, April 12 at Sutherlin Family Church, Sutherlin, Oregon at 11:00 a.m.
Following the memorial service, a Celebration of Steve's life will be held. Where we'd like to celebrate Steve's life with the Lord. He was well loved and we want to laugh and remember the man who touched so many lives.
We are asking that in lieu of flowers that any donations to be made to the Steve Smith Educational Fund, PO Box 689, Oakland, Oregon 97462. Steve was a big propronent of education and wants his girls to get theirs.
Tonight (Friday) our local newspaper will have an article about Steve and I will send the link so that you all can read about the nomination he received.
Days are busy, but am sure that when the dust settles I'll be left with a large hole in my heart as well as in my life. No one writes a book on how to deal with a broken heart and tells you how to continue living without the person you love the most is no longer next to me. One of the ESD counsellors let me read a wonderful book called "Tear Soup" and it struck a chord, so I am going to order it. It spoke to me.
Maybe it'll be my recipe for the next few months--as I'll have plenty of tears to make the Soup.
mary jo
Following the memorial service, a Celebration of Steve's life will be held. Where we'd like to celebrate Steve's life with the Lord. He was well loved and we want to laugh and remember the man who touched so many lives.
We are asking that in lieu of flowers that any donations to be made to the Steve Smith Educational Fund, PO Box 689, Oakland, Oregon 97462. Steve was a big propronent of education and wants his girls to get theirs.
Tonight (Friday) our local newspaper will have an article about Steve and I will send the link so that you all can read about the nomination he received.
Days are busy, but am sure that when the dust settles I'll be left with a large hole in my heart as well as in my life. No one writes a book on how to deal with a broken heart and tells you how to continue living without the person you love the most is no longer next to me. One of the ESD counsellors let me read a wonderful book called "Tear Soup" and it struck a chord, so I am going to order it. It spoke to me.
Maybe it'll be my recipe for the next few months--as I'll have plenty of tears to make the Soup.
mary jo
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
....Bittersweet News
With a broken heart, I am extremely sad to say that my father passed away this morning.
He had been in terrible pain last, didn't eat dinner and had begun to hallucinate.
Hospice arrived around 10:30 to help with his pain, shortly after that my dad fell asleep. My mom went in to check on him and his forehead was cold and he wasn't breathing. He looked peaceful.
We are confident that he is no longer in pain and has indeed gone home to be our Savior in Heaven.
God did answer our prayers but not in the way we asked, he healed him for eternity and he is no longer in pain nor is he suffering. And I have peace knowing how loved he was and how much he loved those around.
More information to follow about services in his honor.
Again thank you to everyone who has loved my father.
---- Lynsey
He had been in terrible pain last, didn't eat dinner and had begun to hallucinate.
Hospice arrived around 10:30 to help with his pain, shortly after that my dad fell asleep. My mom went in to check on him and his forehead was cold and he wasn't breathing. He looked peaceful.
We are confident that he is no longer in pain and has indeed gone home to be our Savior in Heaven.
God did answer our prayers but not in the way we asked, he healed him for eternity and he is no longer in pain nor is he suffering. And I have peace knowing how loved he was and how much he loved those around.
More information to follow about services in his honor.
Again thank you to everyone who has loved my father.
---- Lynsey
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Finding God and trying to smile.........
Lately finding something to smile about has been very difficult. Each day I am made aware of how weak and fatigued Steve is becoming. Each day I am confronted with the very real possibility that the man I love more than life itself, may not live. And each day I try to find something worth smiling about. Each day I ask God for a Miracle and that He would heal Steve. And each day we ( our family) face new challenges with his illness.
God doesn't answer my prayers the way I'd like them answered. However, each day He provides fellowship and friendship with neighbors such as Bud and Carolye who drove me to a fabric shop in Eugene to look for shower curtain material and then to Costco!! Whoopee--it was one of the first days that I have had totally to myself in over 3 1/2 months!! Craig, Steve's brother, was available to spend the day with Steve, watching hunting videos. (Not my idea of a good time, but I suppose shopping for fabric, wasn't one of theirs either!!)
God has allowed us to hear from distant friends. John Luik, one of Steve's college friends emailed him after not corresponding in years. My dear friends, Jim and Pat Hair, from Chicago sent me a long newsy letter. Good friends, Rick and Linda Hartwig called from Florida and we were able to talk for some time. All wonderful friends who are standing in the gap for the Lord. The Lord reassures us daily that He is present and still on the throne by surrounding us with good friends that we have made through the years. Each day we hear from wonderful friends and co-workers who send their love and best wishes for good health.
Steve's family came over on Sunday to do some "manual labor" for me. Small tasks and repairs that needed doing and they did it with a smile and a hug. All of them wanting to help in anyway while Steve is not able to do the many things he is used to doing.
This Friday, April 4th, is the Blood drive at the ESD and all of the slots are nearly filled. How wonderful that so many are volunteering to help in this very real and tangible way to help others. Then this Saturday, the ESD is holding a Garage Sale in the ESD parking lot. So if you have any extra junk you'd like to get rid of--please contact Rita Snyder at the ESD ( phone # is listed on the blog site) and she'll give you all the information about the Garage Sale. All proceeds will be for Steve and the expenses surrounding his chemo and travel back and forth to Portland.
This Saturday is also Steve's 58th b-day--so if you have time, you might want to send Steve a card or email him and wishing him a happy birthday. We praise the Lord daily for allowing us to spend another day together. Each day is very precious and I'm trying to think of a creative way to celebrate Steve's birthday. I cannot be reassured that his health would allow us to have friends over to celebrate with us--I pray that happens soon!!
He has had some good conversations with friends who have stopped by to visit and we are hoping that his health continues to be good, so others can stop by to visit with him. He fatigues easily, but really enjoys talking to everyone who has been over. He's been watching the Basketball play-offs on TV --so we girls have to be quiet while that's on tv.
Please remember us in your prayers. This is very difficult........... and each day I pray to the Lord, "If you won't heal him, please don't let Steve suffer!" His pain is currently under control by the epidural pain pump and we are so thankful for that.
He is starting to get headaches and I'm a little concerned about that.
Thank you dear friends & family---We couldn't do this without ALL of your love and support!! It really means so much to hear from you by dropping by for a visit, phone call, mail or email--each act is an assurance that God still cares for us during this very difficult time.
good nite,
mj and Steve
God doesn't answer my prayers the way I'd like them answered. However, each day He provides fellowship and friendship with neighbors such as Bud and Carolye who drove me to a fabric shop in Eugene to look for shower curtain material and then to Costco!! Whoopee--it was one of the first days that I have had totally to myself in over 3 1/2 months!! Craig, Steve's brother, was available to spend the day with Steve, watching hunting videos. (Not my idea of a good time, but I suppose shopping for fabric, wasn't one of theirs either!!)
God has allowed us to hear from distant friends. John Luik, one of Steve's college friends emailed him after not corresponding in years. My dear friends, Jim and Pat Hair, from Chicago sent me a long newsy letter. Good friends, Rick and Linda Hartwig called from Florida and we were able to talk for some time. All wonderful friends who are standing in the gap for the Lord. The Lord reassures us daily that He is present and still on the throne by surrounding us with good friends that we have made through the years. Each day we hear from wonderful friends and co-workers who send their love and best wishes for good health.
Steve's family came over on Sunday to do some "manual labor" for me. Small tasks and repairs that needed doing and they did it with a smile and a hug. All of them wanting to help in anyway while Steve is not able to do the many things he is used to doing.
This Friday, April 4th, is the Blood drive at the ESD and all of the slots are nearly filled. How wonderful that so many are volunteering to help in this very real and tangible way to help others. Then this Saturday, the ESD is holding a Garage Sale in the ESD parking lot. So if you have any extra junk you'd like to get rid of--please contact Rita Snyder at the ESD ( phone # is listed on the blog site) and she'll give you all the information about the Garage Sale. All proceeds will be for Steve and the expenses surrounding his chemo and travel back and forth to Portland.
This Saturday is also Steve's 58th b-day--so if you have time, you might want to send Steve a card or email him and wishing him a happy birthday. We praise the Lord daily for allowing us to spend another day together. Each day is very precious and I'm trying to think of a creative way to celebrate Steve's birthday. I cannot be reassured that his health would allow us to have friends over to celebrate with us--I pray that happens soon!!
He has had some good conversations with friends who have stopped by to visit and we are hoping that his health continues to be good, so others can stop by to visit with him. He fatigues easily, but really enjoys talking to everyone who has been over. He's been watching the Basketball play-offs on TV --so we girls have to be quiet while that's on tv.
Please remember us in your prayers. This is very difficult........... and each day I pray to the Lord, "If you won't heal him, please don't let Steve suffer!" His pain is currently under control by the epidural pain pump and we are so thankful for that.
He is starting to get headaches and I'm a little concerned about that.
Thank you dear friends & family---We couldn't do this without ALL of your love and support!! It really means so much to hear from you by dropping by for a visit, phone call, mail or email--each act is an assurance that God still cares for us during this very difficult time.
good nite,
mj and Steve
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Hope.................Or the Loss of..................
Haven't written since my blog posting Easter night. In that blog I noted that we had planned on going to Portland for an appt. with Dr. Nichols and later in the day attend a PERS meeting for Steve's Early Retirement.
Needless to say, we made neither.
As we were attempting to get out the door, Steve's blood pressure plummeted so severely that I knew I needed to seek professional help immediately. So called 911 and the paramedics took him to Mercy Hospital/Roseburg. They got him stablized and released us at 1:00 p.m.
So we came home and I am left with all kinds of thoughts, doubts. What do I do next? He is so very weak. His blood pressure is all over the place--high, low. He can't walk, and he has so much faith that he'll return to Portland to continue chemo treatments, once he feels better. What do I do? Where do I go for help? Help Lord!!
After more than 3 days without sleep, due to his pain level. He is up each peeing and being in pain..........so therefore I am up all night as well.
I called Dr. Ottenheimer on Tuesday AM to get some direction and was told that no matter which hospital we took Steve to--they would all do the same thing...........keep him comfortable. He isn't strong enough for more chemo and couldn't stand it! The illness is progressing too quickly.
And we can keep him comfortable from home by having Mercy Home Health/Hospice come to our home.
So today (Wednesday 3/26) Sally came with her Hospice Hat on and assessed Steve's condition. His pain and his needing narcotic pain meds for his epidural pain pump puts him in the hospice plan. Dr. Ottenheimer does NOT want Steve give up Hope--however unless God performs a Miracle, Hospice will be with us until the end. Dr. Ottenheimer told me to tell Steve, "if a Miracle happens and you start feeliing better and you have the strength to continue chemo in Portland, we'll pull the Hospice team and you can go forth..............never give up Hope!! However, the Dr's know that the cancer is winning--not us! But we Smith's continue believing that God is the God of the 11th Hour and can heal Steve. And if it gives Steve the will to strive and get better--I am NOT about to dash that thought!!!
This is so hard and only going to get harder and much more difficult. This isn't the way Steve or I planned our retirement years. I don't know how to live without the man I've loved for over 31 years. Where do I go, what do I do????????? And without Steve holding my hand..........I fear I don't want to go on............
Small evidences of miracles.............The PERS folks told him that since I couldn't attend our missed meeting on Monday--the only date they had left was May 7th--I told them "my husband may not be alive on May 7th!" And after much conversation, Andy (the PERS) guy suggested we could hold a phone interview right then and there. We went through each PERS form and he even emailed me the ones I was missing. So today I mailed all of the paperwork in. God knew I needed that paperwork in to start Steve's Early retirement. And hopefully Steve will live long enough so that I don't miss out on his retirement pension checks. There is a time element that if Steve dies sometime before his retirement date, I miss out a large portion. So this is also in the Lord's Hands!!
Steve's folks found that they have 2 extra burial plots in Myrtle Creek available. Is that a coincidence? I elect to think not. Small miracles. Not the big ones, I truly wish for, but small ones each day to let me know that God is still on the Throne and caring for us.
SO many friends calling, coming to visit, sending cards, emails. All wanting to help, lend a hand, be a shoulder. Thank you!! Without you I couldn't go on.............trying to care for Steve 24/7.
Steve is very weak. Many of you are wanting to visit. I really don't know what to tell you. He is too weak to leave our home. He couldn't attend Faith's 1st birthday (Faith is our first and only grandchild). And grandpa is one doting grandfather NOT to miss a birthday of one so precious!! However, he wasn't strong enough to even leave
our home. So please be patient with us. I know you want to see him, so please call ahead to see if he is strong enough to receive visitors. Or even phone calls, alot of times he'll say "I'm too tired to even talk."
Hope.............we all elect to hang on to Hope!! Without it we are lost...............so we elect to continue hoping for a Miracle. And if we can't receive the Miracle we wish for.................My prayer is "Please Lord, don't let Steve suffer!! He is too precious a man to suffer. Please Lord!! "
good night,
mj and Steve
Needless to say, we made neither.
As we were attempting to get out the door, Steve's blood pressure plummeted so severely that I knew I needed to seek professional help immediately. So called 911 and the paramedics took him to Mercy Hospital/Roseburg. They got him stablized and released us at 1:00 p.m.
So we came home and I am left with all kinds of thoughts, doubts. What do I do next? He is so very weak. His blood pressure is all over the place--high, low. He can't walk, and he has so much faith that he'll return to Portland to continue chemo treatments, once he feels better. What do I do? Where do I go for help? Help Lord!!
After more than 3 days without sleep, due to his pain level. He is up each peeing and being in pain..........so therefore I am up all night as well.
I called Dr. Ottenheimer on Tuesday AM to get some direction and was told that no matter which hospital we took Steve to--they would all do the same thing...........keep him comfortable. He isn't strong enough for more chemo and couldn't stand it! The illness is progressing too quickly.
And we can keep him comfortable from home by having Mercy Home Health/Hospice come to our home.
So today (Wednesday 3/26) Sally came with her Hospice Hat on and assessed Steve's condition. His pain and his needing narcotic pain meds for his epidural pain pump puts him in the hospice plan. Dr. Ottenheimer does NOT want Steve give up Hope--however unless God performs a Miracle, Hospice will be with us until the end. Dr. Ottenheimer told me to tell Steve, "if a Miracle happens and you start feeliing better and you have the strength to continue chemo in Portland, we'll pull the Hospice team and you can go forth..............never give up Hope!! However, the Dr's know that the cancer is winning--not us! But we Smith's continue believing that God is the God of the 11th Hour and can heal Steve. And if it gives Steve the will to strive and get better--I am NOT about to dash that thought!!!
This is so hard and only going to get harder and much more difficult. This isn't the way Steve or I planned our retirement years. I don't know how to live without the man I've loved for over 31 years. Where do I go, what do I do????????? And without Steve holding my hand..........I fear I don't want to go on............
Small evidences of miracles.............The PERS folks told him that since I couldn't attend our missed meeting on Monday--the only date they had left was May 7th--I told them "my husband may not be alive on May 7th!" And after much conversation, Andy (the PERS) guy suggested we could hold a phone interview right then and there. We went through each PERS form and he even emailed me the ones I was missing. So today I mailed all of the paperwork in. God knew I needed that paperwork in to start Steve's Early retirement. And hopefully Steve will live long enough so that I don't miss out on his retirement pension checks. There is a time element that if Steve dies sometime before his retirement date, I miss out a large portion. So this is also in the Lord's Hands!!
Steve's folks found that they have 2 extra burial plots in Myrtle Creek available. Is that a coincidence? I elect to think not. Small miracles. Not the big ones, I truly wish for, but small ones each day to let me know that God is still on the Throne and caring for us.
SO many friends calling, coming to visit, sending cards, emails. All wanting to help, lend a hand, be a shoulder. Thank you!! Without you I couldn't go on.............trying to care for Steve 24/7.
Steve is very weak. Many of you are wanting to visit. I really don't know what to tell you. He is too weak to leave our home. He couldn't attend Faith's 1st birthday (Faith is our first and only grandchild). And grandpa is one doting grandfather NOT to miss a birthday of one so precious!! However, he wasn't strong enough to even leave
our home. So please be patient with us. I know you want to see him, so please call ahead to see if he is strong enough to receive visitors. Or even phone calls, alot of times he'll say "I'm too tired to even talk."
Hope.............we all elect to hang on to Hope!! Without it we are lost...............so we elect to continue hoping for a Miracle. And if we can't receive the Miracle we wish for.................My prayer is "Please Lord, don't let Steve suffer!! He is too precious a man to suffer. Please Lord!! "
good night,
mj and Steve
L.o.v.e
1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient and kind, never jealous and most importantly selfless.
I have had the privlege of having parents who have been married for over thirty years and grandparents who have been together for over sixty years.
Over the past several weeks, it has become increasingly evident that true love is indeed selfless.
Such love doesn't mind helping you bath, dress or use the restroom when you find yourself too weak to do so.
It never tires of sleeping on the couch night after night so that they might hear you in the middle of the night if you might wake and need something.
Such selfless love cuddles with you in your hospital bed when you are no longer able to endure going out to a cinema to a see a film.
This love calls you to ask if your youngest child recieved a birthday cake this year and asks you to go pick one for them, so that all of you can celebrate together. Such love then apologizes to said child for having to celebrate their birthday in a hospital/hotel room.
Lastly, selfless love would rather themselves suffer than bear to watch you suffer. I am convinced God created us to love each other, so that we can attempt to comprehend the kind of selfless love He has for us.
This is the only sense I can make out of my parents situation. I have been blessed to have been raised in a house where true selfless love resides.
--- Lynsey
I have had the privlege of having parents who have been married for over thirty years and grandparents who have been together for over sixty years.
Over the past several weeks, it has become increasingly evident that true love is indeed selfless.
Such love doesn't mind helping you bath, dress or use the restroom when you find yourself too weak to do so.
It never tires of sleeping on the couch night after night so that they might hear you in the middle of the night if you might wake and need something.
Such selfless love cuddles with you in your hospital bed when you are no longer able to endure going out to a cinema to a see a film.
This love calls you to ask if your youngest child recieved a birthday cake this year and asks you to go pick one for them, so that all of you can celebrate together. Such love then apologizes to said child for having to celebrate their birthday in a hospital/hotel room.
Lastly, selfless love would rather themselves suffer than bear to watch you suffer. I am convinced God created us to love each other, so that we can attempt to comprehend the kind of selfless love He has for us.
This is the only sense I can make out of my parents situation. I have been blessed to have been raised in a house where true selfless love resides.
--- Lynsey
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friends--where would we be without them?
It's been awhile since I last posted our doings--Steve was in the hospital in Mercy/Roseburg until Thursday afternoon when he was finally released. While in the hospital, he was so blessed to have had so many friends stop by to visit with him.
Too many to name, and I'd probably forget someone.
One night, Shaun Hill, asked several of his friends to come to the hospital to sing & pray with Steve while he was in his hospital room. So Wed. night, Emily & Steve Pappas, and Tyler Thennes, with his guitar, came to sing and pray with Steve. It was so wonderful to see these young people surround Steve with their hearts and and voices in praise to our Great Physician Faither!! We were so proud to have these
sweet people in our midst! Thank you.
So many affirmations of love to our family while going during this turbulent uncertain time. One morning the pool guys from Preference Pool were cleaning our pool and carrying a large carton. I identified the box as being the size of a new diving board. I started crying and the guys saw him, and said to me, "Mrs. Smith, is the pool not as clean as you had expected? The neighbor's tree is carrying alot of flower blossoms and it's collecting in your pool, and we're trying to get as much out as we can." I said, "Oh No, the pool looks great--I'm just so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity--and now there's a new diving board. I'll NEVER be able to repay people for their generosity."
The guys from Preference Pool said to me, "Our boss Steve talked with the diving board distributor/vendor and we got a really good deal on the diving board, so it's a joint effort between the vendor, Steve, the Preference Pool owner, and Art Adams. So please believe us when we say, it was too good a deal to pass up."
So then I start crying all over again............I don't even know the diving board distributor/vendor!!!
Then we received in the mail a pair of beautiful slippers to replace the "boat sized slippers" that the hospital lost after last visit. Thank you so much Suzy and Tom for the beautiful slippers, they fit Steve's feet just fine. The swelling as reduced and his feet are only "partial boat sized" feet!!
The scrapbook fairy was identified to be Michelle Reber. Thank you Michelle for the scrapbook items, I can hardly wait to have the time to sit and scrapbook soon.
Thursday night at the ESD (Education Service District--where Steve works in Rsbg) had their monthly board meeting. Jon Hill, the Superintendent of the ESD, asked if Steve could be in attendance as the Board wanted to honor him for his service these past 16 years. Well, during the meeting, the Board and Jon honored Steve with his name being nominated for an award. If Steve should win, the Justus A. Prentice award--the final award will be given out in May in Bend. But the Board and Jon read a book full of accolades of Steve's service to Special Education and the children he has served over the many years. We were so lucky to have our good friend, Mike Rice, visiting from Boise. So he was able to come with us and be our photographer for this special event. Then we got a bunch of pictures of people hugging Steve and congratulating him. It was a very emotional evening, for a very deserving & wonderful man!!
We had hoped to attend Easter Services with the rest of our family today. However, the pain in Steve's hip is continuing to increase in severity. So he didn't sleep Saturday night due to the pain, and felt pretty puny Sunday morning. So we missed our first Easter service together in years. However we did get to visit with our families later in the day, as they stopped by for dessert and coffee late afternoon.
We are asking for prayer for tomorrow (Monday, March 24), as we travel to Portland for an appt. with Dr. Nichols. At this visit, we will hear first hand what the CT-Scan said and what his thoughts are regarding chemo or continued treatment. I am fearful (as we don't know if the chemo is as affective as we once had hoped.........we continue to pray for a miracle and really want to have God honored and praised with the healing of Steve!!) I hate to use the word "fearful"--but in my small human mind--I am scared. I see the pain that Steve is in and I see how he is shrinking in front of me!! He currently weighs 148 lbs. And his appetite is waning--and I try to feed him constantly!! I am trying to be optimistic and I'm trying to be brave--but it's so hard!! When the man I love is enduring all of this chemo and medicines, and pain pump and everything to try and beat this hideous disease. We covet your prayer so badly--as the enemy is constantly trying to make me afraid and doubt the Lord's abilities to heal!!
The Lord placed so many people and blessings in our paths this past week, and it was so encouraging to see people from our college days, our church friends, our neighbors, Steve's wonderful co-workers at the ESD and school districts, friends who have moved away from us and returned especially to visit with Steve and our wonderful family members. We can't journey down this hard road without all of you.
I received a wonderful gift from the class of 1967 The Dalles High School reunion committee. These wonderful folks thought of us and sent us a check to use for our expenses travelling back and forth to Portland. Several of them have battled cancer, or have loved ones battling cancer and came alongside of us in a very meaningful way. Thank you Sharon and Maja---what a thoughtful gift!! Thank you committee members--I hope that someday--someway I can pay it forward!!
Remember us tomorrow as we hear the news from Dr. Nichols and we're also going to the PERS folks to start Steve's Early Retirement process. Lynsey is going to help me
drive to Portland, so she can help with getting Steve in and out of the Blazer and into various wheelchairs. It'll help having two pairs of hands. As it will be a long and hard day in Portland.
Thank you for your continued prayers and we really feel each and other one of time.
Good night,
mj and Steve
Too many to name, and I'd probably forget someone.
One night, Shaun Hill, asked several of his friends to come to the hospital to sing & pray with Steve while he was in his hospital room. So Wed. night, Emily & Steve Pappas, and Tyler Thennes, with his guitar, came to sing and pray with Steve. It was so wonderful to see these young people surround Steve with their hearts and and voices in praise to our Great Physician Faither!! We were so proud to have these
sweet people in our midst! Thank you.
So many affirmations of love to our family while going during this turbulent uncertain time. One morning the pool guys from Preference Pool were cleaning our pool and carrying a large carton. I identified the box as being the size of a new diving board. I started crying and the guys saw him, and said to me, "Mrs. Smith, is the pool not as clean as you had expected? The neighbor's tree is carrying alot of flower blossoms and it's collecting in your pool, and we're trying to get as much out as we can." I said, "Oh No, the pool looks great--I'm just so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity--and now there's a new diving board. I'll NEVER be able to repay people for their generosity."
The guys from Preference Pool said to me, "Our boss Steve talked with the diving board distributor/vendor and we got a really good deal on the diving board, so it's a joint effort between the vendor, Steve, the Preference Pool owner, and Art Adams. So please believe us when we say, it was too good a deal to pass up."
So then I start crying all over again............I don't even know the diving board distributor/vendor!!!
Then we received in the mail a pair of beautiful slippers to replace the "boat sized slippers" that the hospital lost after last visit. Thank you so much Suzy and Tom for the beautiful slippers, they fit Steve's feet just fine. The swelling as reduced and his feet are only "partial boat sized" feet!!
The scrapbook fairy was identified to be Michelle Reber. Thank you Michelle for the scrapbook items, I can hardly wait to have the time to sit and scrapbook soon.
Thursday night at the ESD (Education Service District--where Steve works in Rsbg) had their monthly board meeting. Jon Hill, the Superintendent of the ESD, asked if Steve could be in attendance as the Board wanted to honor him for his service these past 16 years. Well, during the meeting, the Board and Jon honored Steve with his name being nominated for an award. If Steve should win, the Justus A. Prentice award--the final award will be given out in May in Bend. But the Board and Jon read a book full of accolades of Steve's service to Special Education and the children he has served over the many years. We were so lucky to have our good friend, Mike Rice, visiting from Boise. So he was able to come with us and be our photographer for this special event. Then we got a bunch of pictures of people hugging Steve and congratulating him. It was a very emotional evening, for a very deserving & wonderful man!!
We had hoped to attend Easter Services with the rest of our family today. However, the pain in Steve's hip is continuing to increase in severity. So he didn't sleep Saturday night due to the pain, and felt pretty puny Sunday morning. So we missed our first Easter service together in years. However we did get to visit with our families later in the day, as they stopped by for dessert and coffee late afternoon.
We are asking for prayer for tomorrow (Monday, March 24), as we travel to Portland for an appt. with Dr. Nichols. At this visit, we will hear first hand what the CT-Scan said and what his thoughts are regarding chemo or continued treatment. I am fearful (as we don't know if the chemo is as affective as we once had hoped.........we continue to pray for a miracle and really want to have God honored and praised with the healing of Steve!!) I hate to use the word "fearful"--but in my small human mind--I am scared. I see the pain that Steve is in and I see how he is shrinking in front of me!! He currently weighs 148 lbs. And his appetite is waning--and I try to feed him constantly!! I am trying to be optimistic and I'm trying to be brave--but it's so hard!! When the man I love is enduring all of this chemo and medicines, and pain pump and everything to try and beat this hideous disease. We covet your prayer so badly--as the enemy is constantly trying to make me afraid and doubt the Lord's abilities to heal!!
The Lord placed so many people and blessings in our paths this past week, and it was so encouraging to see people from our college days, our church friends, our neighbors, Steve's wonderful co-workers at the ESD and school districts, friends who have moved away from us and returned especially to visit with Steve and our wonderful family members. We can't journey down this hard road without all of you.
I received a wonderful gift from the class of 1967 The Dalles High School reunion committee. These wonderful folks thought of us and sent us a check to use for our expenses travelling back and forth to Portland. Several of them have battled cancer, or have loved ones battling cancer and came alongside of us in a very meaningful way. Thank you Sharon and Maja---what a thoughtful gift!! Thank you committee members--I hope that someday--someway I can pay it forward!!
Remember us tomorrow as we hear the news from Dr. Nichols and we're also going to the PERS folks to start Steve's Early Retirement process. Lynsey is going to help me
drive to Portland, so she can help with getting Steve in and out of the Blazer and into various wheelchairs. It'll help having two pairs of hands. As it will be a long and hard day in Portland.
Thank you for your continued prayers and we really feel each and other one of time.
Good night,
mj and Steve
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A Lil some from Lynsey
Mother Teresa once said I can never understand all the good that a simple smile can accomplish. In times such as these, I think I can partially grasp what Mother Teresa was feeling. There are not enough words to express how thankful my family is. We have been so blessed by such a remarkable community who has risen to the daunting task of walking through this difficult time with us.
I would have liked to write something more enlightening or heartwarming for my blog debut however, all I really want to express is my thankfulness to everyone who has sent a note of encouragement, crossed something off of the infamous "list", came by for a visit and the countless other gifts of love we have received.
Thank you Thank you Thank you
As many of you are probably aware, my Father is still in the hospital at Mercy (room 303) and by now must have received the Mercy's version of the Guiness worldbook of visitors. Its a pleasant change for him, being in Roseburg vs being in Portland. In Portland, I always have to be so quiet, however Mercy is used to the loudness that the Smith clan brings. And also being in Roseburg he recieves many more visitors. C:
I would have liked to write something more enlightening or heartwarming for my blog debut however, all I really want to express is my thankfulness to everyone who has sent a note of encouragement, crossed something off of the infamous "list", came by for a visit and the countless other gifts of love we have received.
Thank you Thank you Thank you
As many of you are probably aware, my Father is still in the hospital at Mercy (room 303) and by now must have received the Mercy's version of the Guiness worldbook of visitors. Its a pleasant change for him, being in Roseburg vs being in Portland. In Portland, I always have to be so quiet, however Mercy is used to the loudness that the Smith clan brings. And also being in Roseburg he recieves many more visitors. C:
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Steve still in Mercy Hospital/Roseburg
Good evening,
It is late Sunday evening and I just returned from seeing Steve in the hospital. For those of you who don't know-- Steve went by ambulance on Friday to Mercy, where they found a couple of blood clots near his lung and after more tests found that he had several blood clots in the PICC line (which is the line that the chemo is administered!) and a blood clot was found in his leg.
So the situation is serious enough to keep him hospitalized until mid-week. We don't know much else. Dr. Ottenheimer, our local oncologist will return on Monday and he will lead the team to discuss how we'll proceed.
Steve's blood levels are getting better, but still lower than the average persons, so we need to get them higher. He looks good, has had alot of visitors, which he truly enjoys and his appetite is still good. So all in all, we are praising the Lord for bringing him out of this crisis!!
We have so much to be thankful for:
Many visitors to see Steve over the weekend:
Our SFC pastors, Ed Wilgus and Pastor Paul, Dan Reeves, and Sanford Hillman joined us at the hospital Thurday evening to pray and annoint Steve with oil before he went in for his CT-Scan.
Friends Tray & Sue Williams happened to join us during the prayer as well
Pastor Mark Bodenstab rushed to the ER to pray
with Steve after we arrived at the hospital Friday AM.
Steve's family were all in attendance over the weekend. What would we do without family!!
Amanda, Lynsey, & Faith were all with us.--the girls are such good medicine for Steve. And Faith is growing up so quickly, and is such a joy!!
Jim York, Rod & Sue Greene, Hugh & Marie Copeland, Judy Newman and her husband from Eugene,
all came to visit. (I've probably left out several folks--but my brain is fried, I'll rememeber your names in the middle of the night, I'm sure!)
While back at the ranch, MJ had her bathroom dimmer switch and caulking done by Eli & Michelle Medina Sunday afternoon. And the" good scrapbooking fairy" left a huge bag of scrapbooking supplies and albums for me, but left no name--so that I can properly thank you!!
We continue to be so blessed by our friends who continue to bestow us with good wishes and wonderful surprises!! We will never ever be able to repay you all the kindnesses you have given to us during this very difficult time.
We have received so many phone calls, and promises of future visits, which is so encouraging to Steve. And thank you to those who send us wishes via the blog site--I have printed each of them off to give to Steve, so he is totally in the loop!!
Steve can receive visitors at Mercy, but you might want to call first before heading over to Mercy to see if he is up for company. His phone is 677-3571 and he is in room 240--the PCA unit.
Good night and thanks again for loving us,
mj and Steve
It is late Sunday evening and I just returned from seeing Steve in the hospital. For those of you who don't know-- Steve went by ambulance on Friday to Mercy, where they found a couple of blood clots near his lung and after more tests found that he had several blood clots in the PICC line (which is the line that the chemo is administered!) and a blood clot was found in his leg.
So the situation is serious enough to keep him hospitalized until mid-week. We don't know much else. Dr. Ottenheimer, our local oncologist will return on Monday and he will lead the team to discuss how we'll proceed.
Steve's blood levels are getting better, but still lower than the average persons, so we need to get them higher. He looks good, has had alot of visitors, which he truly enjoys and his appetite is still good. So all in all, we are praising the Lord for bringing him out of this crisis!!
We have so much to be thankful for:
Many visitors to see Steve over the weekend:
Our SFC pastors, Ed Wilgus and Pastor Paul, Dan Reeves, and Sanford Hillman joined us at the hospital Thurday evening to pray and annoint Steve with oil before he went in for his CT-Scan.
Friends Tray & Sue Williams happened to join us during the prayer as well
Pastor Mark Bodenstab rushed to the ER to pray
with Steve after we arrived at the hospital Friday AM.
Steve's family were all in attendance over the weekend. What would we do without family!!
Amanda, Lynsey, & Faith were all with us.--the girls are such good medicine for Steve. And Faith is growing up so quickly, and is such a joy!!
Jim York, Rod & Sue Greene, Hugh & Marie Copeland, Judy Newman and her husband from Eugene,
all came to visit. (I've probably left out several folks--but my brain is fried, I'll rememeber your names in the middle of the night, I'm sure!)
While back at the ranch, MJ had her bathroom dimmer switch and caulking done by Eli & Michelle Medina Sunday afternoon. And the" good scrapbooking fairy" left a huge bag of scrapbooking supplies and albums for me, but left no name--so that I can properly thank you!!
We continue to be so blessed by our friends who continue to bestow us with good wishes and wonderful surprises!! We will never ever be able to repay you all the kindnesses you have given to us during this very difficult time.
We have received so many phone calls, and promises of future visits, which is so encouraging to Steve. And thank you to those who send us wishes via the blog site--I have printed each of them off to give to Steve, so he is totally in the loop!!
Steve can receive visitors at Mercy, but you might want to call first before heading over to Mercy to see if he is up for company. His phone is 677-3571 and he is in room 240--the PCA unit.
Good night and thanks again for loving us,
mj and Steve
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Steve's update for Friday, March 14, 2008
Yesterday AM- we took Steve by ambulance to Mercy Hospital/Roseburg-- as his breathing was labored and I was told that this weekend was a dangerous time for Steve with his white count levels so dangerously low. We were planning on leaving for the hospital to get 2 units of blood. We were all ready to leave when he started feeling so bad, that I made the decision to call 911.
While at the hospital they found he had 2-3 small blood clots. So after giving him the 2 units of blood we had previously orderd, they started the blood thinning shots to stop the blood clots. He had a CT-scan of his chest again to find out about blood clots, as only a blood test showed the possiblity of the blood clots.
He is in the PCA unit at Mercy--however, we are asking folks to limit their visits with Steve has he hasn't had much sleep since he left Providence almost a week ago. His edema is so severe that he is constanting peeing all the chemo/liquids out of his body. Then Mercy gave him lasix last night and he was up all night AGAIN peeing his brains out!!
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted--but feel the prayers and concern from everyone we come in contact. (Steve made me leave the hospital last night and made me go home and get some sleep--some things never change, he still tells me what to do!!)
Steve will probably remain in the hospital over the weekend, while they find out where the blood clots originated.
Steve had his CT-scan Thursday evening and only news he have received is that the lymph nodes in his abdomen have reduced in size because of the last chemo treatment--PTL!! But we don't know much else. Steve is getting weaker and I'm not sure that he could tolerate another round of chemo so soon. We had planned on taking some "family down time" to be at the Coast --as everyone is trying to find us a beach home during the busiest season of the year--Spring Break. But with his health, we may not need a beach home until the first week of April. It will all depend on what the doctors say about the blood clots, etc. & how Steve is feeling.
One of the nicest things about living in a small town, is that WE may not know what we are doing--but EVERYONE else does!
Point in fact: Thursday afternoon we had bad weather in the form of hard blowing rain. We had left Steve's wheelchair parked on the front porch. We were getting Steve dressed to go into town for his DR appt and CT-scan, when we heard foot steps on our porch. Knowing it wasn't December and it couldn't be Santa--I looked outside and saw Val (our adorable Public Works gal) moving Steve's wheelchair out of the rain!
I went outside to see what she was doing and she replied:
"We saw that Steve's wheelchair was getting soaked by the rain, so we thought we should move it!" They were driving by and saw this--isn't that incredible?
She had also attached an envelope to our front door with phone numbers of the public works staff to call when I needed help in getting Steve from the house into our car.
Isn't that just like the Lord to put the exact people in our paths at just the right time you need help? So a few minutes later 2 bulky guys & Val returned to help me get Steve out of the house in his wheelchair and into the Blazer so I wouldn't overwork my poor back!
God is so good!!. He isn't answering our prayers in the way we'd like to see them answered. But he hasn't deserted us either! We are surrounded by fantastic family and friends who are so willing to help Steve anyway possible and we are so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity to us. Thank you for being the loving arms of the Lord--sometimes the road ahead seems so bleak. But when I get my eyes off of the "what if"s" and on to the "right now's"--I see that the love of God is shown by everyone around us.
Thank you!
love,
mj & Steve
While at the hospital they found he had 2-3 small blood clots. So after giving him the 2 units of blood we had previously orderd, they started the blood thinning shots to stop the blood clots. He had a CT-scan of his chest again to find out about blood clots, as only a blood test showed the possiblity of the blood clots.
He is in the PCA unit at Mercy--however, we are asking folks to limit their visits with Steve has he hasn't had much sleep since he left Providence almost a week ago. His edema is so severe that he is constanting peeing all the chemo/liquids out of his body. Then Mercy gave him lasix last night and he was up all night AGAIN peeing his brains out!!
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted--but feel the prayers and concern from everyone we come in contact. (Steve made me leave the hospital last night and made me go home and get some sleep--some things never change, he still tells me what to do!!)
Steve will probably remain in the hospital over the weekend, while they find out where the blood clots originated.
Steve had his CT-scan Thursday evening and only news he have received is that the lymph nodes in his abdomen have reduced in size because of the last chemo treatment--PTL!! But we don't know much else. Steve is getting weaker and I'm not sure that he could tolerate another round of chemo so soon. We had planned on taking some "family down time" to be at the Coast --as everyone is trying to find us a beach home during the busiest season of the year--Spring Break. But with his health, we may not need a beach home until the first week of April. It will all depend on what the doctors say about the blood clots, etc. & how Steve is feeling.
One of the nicest things about living in a small town, is that WE may not know what we are doing--but EVERYONE else does!
Point in fact: Thursday afternoon we had bad weather in the form of hard blowing rain. We had left Steve's wheelchair parked on the front porch. We were getting Steve dressed to go into town for his DR appt and CT-scan, when we heard foot steps on our porch. Knowing it wasn't December and it couldn't be Santa--I looked outside and saw Val (our adorable Public Works gal) moving Steve's wheelchair out of the rain!
I went outside to see what she was doing and she replied:
"We saw that Steve's wheelchair was getting soaked by the rain, so we thought we should move it!" They were driving by and saw this--isn't that incredible?
She had also attached an envelope to our front door with phone numbers of the public works staff to call when I needed help in getting Steve from the house into our car.
Isn't that just like the Lord to put the exact people in our paths at just the right time you need help? So a few minutes later 2 bulky guys & Val returned to help me get Steve out of the house in his wheelchair and into the Blazer so I wouldn't overwork my poor back!
God is so good!!. He isn't answering our prayers in the way we'd like to see them answered. But he hasn't deserted us either! We are surrounded by fantastic family and friends who are so willing to help Steve anyway possible and we are so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity to us. Thank you for being the loving arms of the Lord--sometimes the road ahead seems so bleak. But when I get my eyes off of the "what if"s" and on to the "right now's"--I see that the love of God is shown by everyone around us.
Thank you!
love,
mj & Steve
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Mj's nit picky concerns::
Is there anyone in the Oakland/Sutherlin area who could put in a re-astat light swith in my bathroom? The new lights are great--just too Hollywood for me everyday. If I could get a reastat on the light switch, that would be perfect.
Also Steve is concerned that we may need more caulking around the shower area, so we don't get water underneath the new floor.
So if anyone could finish the caulk around the shower, that would be great as well.
thanks,
mj
Also Steve is concerned that we may need more caulking around the shower area, so we don't get water underneath the new floor.
So if anyone could finish the caulk around the shower, that would be great as well.
thanks,
mj
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
OMIGOSH--the bathroom is almost finished!!
Today has been a red letter day in the life of Project Smith. Micah & Patience Long arrived mid morning ready to start tearing out the old vanity, and toilet. This prepared the way for Charley Smith to fix the old floor and prepare it for the new vinyl. The vinyl looks like wooden planks and is way cool! It really makes the bathroom floor look old. Then Micah and Patience returned to install the new vanity and sink, plus they put up the new medicine cabinet. But not until Bob & Sue Adams had to make a Home Depot run and purchase another medicine cabinet, as the original one had a major defect!! Once they returned with the medicine cabinet, Micah and Bob installed it. Thanks again guys for all of your hard work and for taking your day off to help us out!!
So everything is installed and ready to go. Micah is planning on building me a new storage cabinet to slide in front of the hot water heater. Patience told me that I should have Lynsey take pictures and post them on the blog, so I'll try to do that. Thank you Patti Ann for babysitting the little ones while Micah and Patience finished putting everything together. It really looks nice--all shiny and new!!
Bob & Sue picked out the white vanity, sink and cabinets, in addition, they picked out the flooring and really did a great job. Thanks again and enjoy your vacation, as you relax for 2 weeks in California!!
In addition to the bathroom up and running, our pool was being spruced up by Preference Pools, thanks to Art Adams. The guy was practically at our pool all day digging out leaves from the winter months and adding chemicals to make it look sparkly clean! He even cleaned the tiles, our pool will be in shock of the treatment it is receiving. Thanks again Art, we really and truly appreciate you for doing this for us!!
A major prayer request::: Steve is having another CAT-Scan tomorrow (Thursday) at 6:00 p.m. at Mercy. This scan will let us know if we are winning or losing the cancer battle. A very scary time for both he and I.
I keep praying that the Lord will heal Steve and that they won't find any evidence of cancer in his body. This scan will also tell us whether treatment is helping or not. Please pray that whatever the scan shows--that the Lord will walk ahead of us and prepare us for the news!! That we can make wise decisions in handling what lies ahead of us. The Lord has been with us each step of the way and my prayer is that the Lord be especially close to us, as we face this news together and with our families!! I still pray for a Miracle!!
Steve is feeling pretty good, only weak from the long hospitalization. He is still one of the strongest men I know emotionally! We talk about everything, we laugh, we share our thoughts, and most importantly, we cry together about life's uncertainties!! It's funny, we should all look at life this way, because no one is assured of another day. Yet we all live like we have unlimited days ahead. The pure act of being so vulnerable with one another is almost cleansing in a way--we don't want our days to be filled with regrets!!
We are looking forward to him being stronger by Sunday and hopefully able to attend Palm Sunday services. We haven't been in church together for months and really hope that we can attend during the Easter season.
Thank the Lord for friends who come along side of us in praying for us, in friends who labor for us, for friends who have contributed financially to us during this very expensive time of travelling back and forth to Portland, and for friends who bring us meals. All of these very meaningful gifts are so joyfully received, as we know that God is in each act of giving!! Thank you can never be good enough, but unfortunately at this time, thanks is all we can say to you. And May God bless you richly for thinking of us during this very difficult time!!
mj and Steve
So everything is installed and ready to go. Micah is planning on building me a new storage cabinet to slide in front of the hot water heater. Patience told me that I should have Lynsey take pictures and post them on the blog, so I'll try to do that. Thank you Patti Ann for babysitting the little ones while Micah and Patience finished putting everything together. It really looks nice--all shiny and new!!
Bob & Sue picked out the white vanity, sink and cabinets, in addition, they picked out the flooring and really did a great job. Thanks again and enjoy your vacation, as you relax for 2 weeks in California!!
In addition to the bathroom up and running, our pool was being spruced up by Preference Pools, thanks to Art Adams. The guy was practically at our pool all day digging out leaves from the winter months and adding chemicals to make it look sparkly clean! He even cleaned the tiles, our pool will be in shock of the treatment it is receiving. Thanks again Art, we really and truly appreciate you for doing this for us!!
A major prayer request::: Steve is having another CAT-Scan tomorrow (Thursday) at 6:00 p.m. at Mercy. This scan will let us know if we are winning or losing the cancer battle. A very scary time for both he and I.
I keep praying that the Lord will heal Steve and that they won't find any evidence of cancer in his body. This scan will also tell us whether treatment is helping or not. Please pray that whatever the scan shows--that the Lord will walk ahead of us and prepare us for the news!! That we can make wise decisions in handling what lies ahead of us. The Lord has been with us each step of the way and my prayer is that the Lord be especially close to us, as we face this news together and with our families!! I still pray for a Miracle!!
Steve is feeling pretty good, only weak from the long hospitalization. He is still one of the strongest men I know emotionally! We talk about everything, we laugh, we share our thoughts, and most importantly, we cry together about life's uncertainties!! It's funny, we should all look at life this way, because no one is assured of another day. Yet we all live like we have unlimited days ahead. The pure act of being so vulnerable with one another is almost cleansing in a way--we don't want our days to be filled with regrets!!
We are looking forward to him being stronger by Sunday and hopefully able to attend Palm Sunday services. We haven't been in church together for months and really hope that we can attend during the Easter season.
Thank the Lord for friends who come along side of us in praying for us, in friends who labor for us, for friends who have contributed financially to us during this very expensive time of travelling back and forth to Portland, and for friends who bring us meals. All of these very meaningful gifts are so joyfully received, as we know that God is in each act of giving!! Thank you can never be good enough, but unfortunately at this time, thanks is all we can say to you. And May God bless you richly for thinking of us during this very difficult time!!
mj and Steve
Monday, March 10, 2008
Question: If you spend 13 days in a hospital--do you need to fill out a change of address card??
These past 13 days have been so long..........Poor Steve has memorized the dining room service menu and is completely disenchanted with eating. We were so excited to be released today, but the process took us hours. We had college friends visiting from Boise and they left around noon and probably beat us home!! True fact, as Lynsey would say!!
Steve is hooked up to his own portable pain pump. And the stupid thing proceeded to beep almost the entire way home. Every time Steve would move slightly, it would beep (as annoying as a baby, who won't stop crying!). The beeping stops the pain meds from flowing into Steve, so very serious, until the problem is solved.
We think we have the problem at least solved for the evening. Tomorrow someone from Mercy Home Health will come to our house and try to problem solve with us how to adjust his movements without stopping the flow of his pain meds.
The lymphoma has affected his ability to move his right leg. He has almost no control of movement. So that is very disturbing for Steve, because he was used to getting around with his walker, but his right leg is almost dead weight and he has to almost drag it around. And then you add the edema that is still in his legs from the large amounts of chemo and liquids, it makes it very difficult for him to get around.
Plus the Surgical staff lost his slippers. We purchased "boat sized slippers" for his large feet (size 11)due to the edema in his feet from the first round of chemo and he wore them into the surgical room to have the permanent epidural pain line inserted and the surgical staff never returned his supersized boat slippers. So he no longer has his standby "larger than life--almost shoe boxes" slippers. So we had to cut the backs off of his regular size slippers to try to give him something to wear home from the hospital.
The nursing staff told me "don't worry, just go out and buy Steve another pair of slippers". Have you ever tried to purchase slippers at any time other than Christmas? They aren't around in the stores except during the holiday time.
We were tired, we were angry, we wanted to go home, and he has nothing to wear on his "larger than life--needing boat sized slipper feet". We looked pretty pathetic........until the nurse took out her scissors and said "let's just cut up your regular slippers"
We made it home, beeping all the way and Steve trying to keep on his slippers which kept falling off his feet. We had to laugh, because if we couldn't laugh, we'd probably head for a nearby ditch.
Angels of mercy have been in our home cleaning, working on our bathroom, and we were so thrilled to see the ramp by the back door. That worked so well with getting Steve and his wheelchair into the house. Thank you Micah!!
Steve is still so overwhelmed with gratitude to everyone who has participated in working on our house while he's been in the hospital. He realizes that he can't do the repairs and the items that need to be done, so thank you to all of you for truly being angels of mercy to us. Thank you Micah for putting up the beadboard behind my stove and for doing the top coat of concrete by the back door. I know that you spent many hours at our house when you could have been doing something fun with your wife and children. Patti Ann surely raised a super son!!
Thank you Barb Moore for helping Patti Ann with the painting, it looks great!
Thank you Bob & Sue for buying the vanity, the vanity top, the medicine cabinet and the flooring, it really looks great. We can hardly wait to see it all put together.
And not living out of boxes!!
This has been a tough time at the hospital. Steve is getting more tired and with his leg causing him so much difficulty lifting it in and out of bed, we are realizing how much the lymphoma is affecting every aspect of his daily life.
We don't have another chemo date scheduled. Dr. Nichols wants Steve to get another CT-Scan and after he sees how the lymphoma has reacted to the latest round of chemo, we'll know whether we'll proceed with another round or we'll possibly do radiation on his hip/pelvic area.
We are still looking for a beach house over Easter vacation, if all goes well and Steve's health is good. We are being encouraged to have some quality family/friend time away from the grind of being in the hospital. Dr. Nichols and the social workers are all encouraging us that we need to be making memories during this time.
Of course trying to find a large beach house during Spring Break shouldn't be too difficult, right?? Ha!!
We are trusting that the Lord has that detail worked out, because we are so overwhelmed with trying to get through each day, I don't have the emotional energy to call up real estate companies looking for a beach home. Plus the cost scares me to death, to even think about. We truly wanted to be able to go to the beach and have family members drop by as they are able to spend some time with Steve in a relaxed setting.
We were so blessed by having our good friends, Jay Rais and Ellis Walker, (old (not that old!)college friends from Boise), spend some time with us. It was so fun to reminense and laugh about the good "old days" and realize that even though the years have separated us, we still have the same connection and love, that bound us together in the 70's. Lynsey got a kick out of hearing some of the old stories, that have only improved with each telling!!
As you can tell, we are pretty exhausted. But I wanted to let all of you know that we have returned home. And it sure feels good..........we missed seeing Faith and all the new tricks she's learning and how many more ways she's getting into things. Poor Amanda, nothing deters Faith and she sure keeps Amanda hopping!! Faith will turn 1 on March 25!! Hard to believe!!
good night and God bless,
mj
Steve is hooked up to his own portable pain pump. And the stupid thing proceeded to beep almost the entire way home. Every time Steve would move slightly, it would beep (as annoying as a baby, who won't stop crying!). The beeping stops the pain meds from flowing into Steve, so very serious, until the problem is solved.
We think we have the problem at least solved for the evening. Tomorrow someone from Mercy Home Health will come to our house and try to problem solve with us how to adjust his movements without stopping the flow of his pain meds.
The lymphoma has affected his ability to move his right leg. He has almost no control of movement. So that is very disturbing for Steve, because he was used to getting around with his walker, but his right leg is almost dead weight and he has to almost drag it around. And then you add the edema that is still in his legs from the large amounts of chemo and liquids, it makes it very difficult for him to get around.
Plus the Surgical staff lost his slippers. We purchased "boat sized slippers" for his large feet (size 11)due to the edema in his feet from the first round of chemo and he wore them into the surgical room to have the permanent epidural pain line inserted and the surgical staff never returned his supersized boat slippers. So he no longer has his standby "larger than life--almost shoe boxes" slippers. So we had to cut the backs off of his regular size slippers to try to give him something to wear home from the hospital.
The nursing staff told me "don't worry, just go out and buy Steve another pair of slippers". Have you ever tried to purchase slippers at any time other than Christmas? They aren't around in the stores except during the holiday time.
We were tired, we were angry, we wanted to go home, and he has nothing to wear on his "larger than life--needing boat sized slipper feet". We looked pretty pathetic........until the nurse took out her scissors and said "let's just cut up your regular slippers"
We made it home, beeping all the way and Steve trying to keep on his slippers which kept falling off his feet. We had to laugh, because if we couldn't laugh, we'd probably head for a nearby ditch.
Angels of mercy have been in our home cleaning, working on our bathroom, and we were so thrilled to see the ramp by the back door. That worked so well with getting Steve and his wheelchair into the house. Thank you Micah!!
Steve is still so overwhelmed with gratitude to everyone who has participated in working on our house while he's been in the hospital. He realizes that he can't do the repairs and the items that need to be done, so thank you to all of you for truly being angels of mercy to us. Thank you Micah for putting up the beadboard behind my stove and for doing the top coat of concrete by the back door. I know that you spent many hours at our house when you could have been doing something fun with your wife and children. Patti Ann surely raised a super son!!
Thank you Barb Moore for helping Patti Ann with the painting, it looks great!
Thank you Bob & Sue for buying the vanity, the vanity top, the medicine cabinet and the flooring, it really looks great. We can hardly wait to see it all put together.
And not living out of boxes!!
This has been a tough time at the hospital. Steve is getting more tired and with his leg causing him so much difficulty lifting it in and out of bed, we are realizing how much the lymphoma is affecting every aspect of his daily life.
We don't have another chemo date scheduled. Dr. Nichols wants Steve to get another CT-Scan and after he sees how the lymphoma has reacted to the latest round of chemo, we'll know whether we'll proceed with another round or we'll possibly do radiation on his hip/pelvic area.
We are still looking for a beach house over Easter vacation, if all goes well and Steve's health is good. We are being encouraged to have some quality family/friend time away from the grind of being in the hospital. Dr. Nichols and the social workers are all encouraging us that we need to be making memories during this time.
Of course trying to find a large beach house during Spring Break shouldn't be too difficult, right?? Ha!!
We are trusting that the Lord has that detail worked out, because we are so overwhelmed with trying to get through each day, I don't have the emotional energy to call up real estate companies looking for a beach home. Plus the cost scares me to death, to even think about. We truly wanted to be able to go to the beach and have family members drop by as they are able to spend some time with Steve in a relaxed setting.
We were so blessed by having our good friends, Jay Rais and Ellis Walker, (old (not that old!)college friends from Boise), spend some time with us. It was so fun to reminense and laugh about the good "old days" and realize that even though the years have separated us, we still have the same connection and love, that bound us together in the 70's. Lynsey got a kick out of hearing some of the old stories, that have only improved with each telling!!
As you can tell, we are pretty exhausted. But I wanted to let all of you know that we have returned home. And it sure feels good..........we missed seeing Faith and all the new tricks she's learning and how many more ways she's getting into things. Poor Amanda, nothing deters Faith and she sure keeps Amanda hopping!! Faith will turn 1 on March 25!! Hard to believe!!
good night and God bless,
mj
Small Plumbing Job
Here's an update to the bathroom remodel. The painting is coming along nicely and should be finished soon. The floor is getting it's last leveling on Wednesday morning and the new flooring will be installed probably on that day also. The vanity, vanity top, and medicine cabinet will be installed on Wednesday also. We do need someone that could hook up the plumbing for the sink. Please call MaryJo and let her know if you could do that. Bob and I want to say thanks so much to everyone who has helped with this phase of the project. Also, the walkway has a new topcoat to it so it is level and a small portable ramp was added by the back door for ease in getting in and out.
Good job!
Good job!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Corrections to the "List"
Lynsey arrived home late Tuesday evening. She brought her laptop to Steve's room so Steve could see the blog site. In reading over the postings I had made he said, "Mary Jo, we don't need a new slide for our pool--we need a diving board." I said, "I know that"--so he replied, "why does it say slide, then?"---
The answer is: I'm on mental overload and have No Idea why it says slide, rather than diving board. So let's replay my request:
**We would like to find a used diving board for our pool in good condition, as ours is in need of being replaced. To go through a pool supply company, the expense will be great. So we are just putting the request to see if anyone knows of someone who might have a diving board not needed. You just never know............
**Secondly, one more request that Steve is asking help is: We have some uneven concrete by our back door. And a thin coat of Top Coat to cover the concrete, would greatly be appreciated. The uneven concrete will make it difficult to push the wheelchair in and out of the house. I will gladly supply or reimburse the cost of the Top Coat, if someone would apply it.
***Thirdly, Bob & Sue Adams have primed and painted the walls of our bathroom. However, we need someone to paint the trim and door in the bathroom. If someone is able to do that please let me know or contact Bob & Sue Adams. Their phone numbers are: Sue, 643-0626 and Bog, 430-0228.
*** We have beadboard that needs to be fitted behind my stove. We still need someone to paint it, before it gets cut and placed behind stove. Ken Jameson has offered to it, but he lives in Eugene. If someone closer would like to take on that project, please let me know.
I will be home today (Thursday)--I have appts in Rsbg and will leave for the hospital Friday morning. So I can be reached by my cell phone 580-2058.
Steve is so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity and kindnesses. He is really having a hard time handling the emotional overload. I keep telling him, "Honey, so many people love you and you are truly a wonderful man and people just want to help carry our load" He keeps saying, "But I can never repay them" and I tell him that people don't expect to be repaid. That they are blessed by being able to help a very kind and generous man. So our thanks go out to all of you over and over for being such a blessing to us.
Tonight Steve will get his permanent epidural for pain management. This procedure has a nice long name, which I promptly forgotten. I am so impressed with Dr. McClusky that I am going to consult with him about my back after we get Steve healthy. Which is my prayer constantly!!
mj
The answer is: I'm on mental overload and have No Idea why it says slide, rather than diving board. So let's replay my request:
**We would like to find a used diving board for our pool in good condition, as ours is in need of being replaced. To go through a pool supply company, the expense will be great. So we are just putting the request to see if anyone knows of someone who might have a diving board not needed. You just never know............
**Secondly, one more request that Steve is asking help is: We have some uneven concrete by our back door. And a thin coat of Top Coat to cover the concrete, would greatly be appreciated. The uneven concrete will make it difficult to push the wheelchair in and out of the house. I will gladly supply or reimburse the cost of the Top Coat, if someone would apply it.
***Thirdly, Bob & Sue Adams have primed and painted the walls of our bathroom. However, we need someone to paint the trim and door in the bathroom. If someone is able to do that please let me know or contact Bob & Sue Adams. Their phone numbers are: Sue, 643-0626 and Bog, 430-0228.
*** We have beadboard that needs to be fitted behind my stove. We still need someone to paint it, before it gets cut and placed behind stove. Ken Jameson has offered to it, but he lives in Eugene. If someone closer would like to take on that project, please let me know.
I will be home today (Thursday)--I have appts in Rsbg and will leave for the hospital Friday morning. So I can be reached by my cell phone 580-2058.
Steve is so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity and kindnesses. He is really having a hard time handling the emotional overload. I keep telling him, "Honey, so many people love you and you are truly a wonderful man and people just want to help carry our load" He keeps saying, "But I can never repay them" and I tell him that people don't expect to be repaid. That they are blessed by being able to help a very kind and generous man. So our thanks go out to all of you over and over for being such a blessing to us.
Tonight Steve will get his permanent epidural for pain management. This procedure has a nice long name, which I promptly forgotten. I am so impressed with Dr. McClusky that I am going to consult with him about my back after we get Steve healthy. Which is my prayer constantly!!
mj
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Project Smith bathroom continued
As all of you are aware we had a wonderful crew do the partial remodel of our bathroom. Tearing out the old shower, installing a new one that handicap accessible for Steve. They spent considerable time tearing out all the old lumber in the walls, and floor. They put the floor back down but it is uneven, as we felt that the next plumber would need access to crawl under that floor to try to lay the new pipes we need. In speaking with Darren he reassured Steve that he could get to the pipes without needing the go through the floor in the bathrrom.
You may have read from Bob & Sue Adams blog--they are assisting us in finishing the project. They have spent hours looking for a new vanity, new cabinets to hang, finished putting the primer on all the walls, and want to lay new vinyl on the floor.
This is where we need someone's help who could come in and make the floor level, so that Bob & Sue can lay the vinyl.
If you will read on the blog--Sue and Bob gave their cell phone numbers.
Steve and I so appreciate everyone's help on Project Smith bathroom and we pray that Lord lays this project on someone's heart.
Thanks,
mj
You may have read from Bob & Sue Adams blog--they are assisting us in finishing the project. They have spent hours looking for a new vanity, new cabinets to hang, finished putting the primer on all the walls, and want to lay new vinyl on the floor.
This is where we need someone's help who could come in and make the floor level, so that Bob & Sue can lay the vinyl.
If you will read on the blog--Sue and Bob gave their cell phone numbers.
Steve and I so appreciate everyone's help on Project Smith bathroom and we pray that Lord lays this project on someone's heart.
Thanks,
mj
Monday, March 3, 2008
Count Your Blessings--Name them One by One.........
What a day for blessings this has been. When things have looked a little bleak--God has delivered lots of big and small blessings our way.
Thank you to Art & Shirley Adams for taking on the pool cleaning--they made this wonderful offer several days ago and I haven't had an opportunity to let everyone know so we can cross it off our "list"
Thank you to Barb & Andy Moore for taking away all the old lumber and pipes to the dump. One more item checked off the "list"
Thank you to Jay & Cheryl Northam for finishing the concrete work by our driveway. Thanks to Cheryl for fixing all of my broken jewelry. Ditto another checked off the "list"
Thanks to Rita Snyder, my sister Debbie, and the gang at the ESD for making the upcoming Blood Drive a great success---that they've added units--Thanks for giving the gift of life sustaining blood to others!!
Thanks to Kathy Ray for delivering the most wonderful basket to our room today. We loved the delivery girl--Kylie Ray!!
Sanford Hillman dropped by to visit with Steve. He was in town with his father. Steve really enjoyed having him stop by.
We had a surprise vistor: Sara Beth Henderson came to the hospital to give Steve her dad's get well wishes. Don Henderson is finishing up his Master's at Northwest Nazarene University. Sara brought her precious daughters with her.
Thanks to Victoria for speaking to Edge Wireless and getting me a better plan for my cell service. And thanks to Donna Estrada!
Thanks to good friends from college, Jay Rais and Ellis Walker for planning to drive to Portland this weekend from Boise. That will be a big emotional boost to Steve.
Lynsey is so worried about her dad's condition, that she is driving home earlier. And thank you to Pastor Mark and Doris Bodenstab for offering to bring some of her stuff back home. They will be in Nampa for a Board of Trustee's meeting and the dates are wonderfully overlapping--is that coincidence??-or is it truly God's way of saying, "I'm in the details of your life, child."
Spent one full hour crying with dear friend, Linda Pierce, in Rockford, Illinois.
Having wonderful girlfriends, is one of life's special gifts..........everyone needs at least a dozen!! I am so blessed by having so many women who pray for me, cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me, do stupid stuff with me, and yet still love me in spite of it all. Plus they all know how very much I love Steve, and tonight they are ALL holding their husbands a little tighter!!
Oh, to be able to repeat the stupid fights, the unkind words. We always think we have All the Time in the World..........and then this happens.
mj
Thank you to Art & Shirley Adams for taking on the pool cleaning--they made this wonderful offer several days ago and I haven't had an opportunity to let everyone know so we can cross it off our "list"
Thank you to Barb & Andy Moore for taking away all the old lumber and pipes to the dump. One more item checked off the "list"
Thank you to Jay & Cheryl Northam for finishing the concrete work by our driveway. Thanks to Cheryl for fixing all of my broken jewelry. Ditto another checked off the "list"
Thanks to Rita Snyder, my sister Debbie, and the gang at the ESD for making the upcoming Blood Drive a great success---that they've added units--Thanks for giving the gift of life sustaining blood to others!!
Thanks to Kathy Ray for delivering the most wonderful basket to our room today. We loved the delivery girl--Kylie Ray!!
Sanford Hillman dropped by to visit with Steve. He was in town with his father. Steve really enjoyed having him stop by.
We had a surprise vistor: Sara Beth Henderson came to the hospital to give Steve her dad's get well wishes. Don Henderson is finishing up his Master's at Northwest Nazarene University. Sara brought her precious daughters with her.
Thanks to Victoria for speaking to Edge Wireless and getting me a better plan for my cell service. And thanks to Donna Estrada!
Thanks to good friends from college, Jay Rais and Ellis Walker for planning to drive to Portland this weekend from Boise. That will be a big emotional boost to Steve.
Lynsey is so worried about her dad's condition, that she is driving home earlier. And thank you to Pastor Mark and Doris Bodenstab for offering to bring some of her stuff back home. They will be in Nampa for a Board of Trustee's meeting and the dates are wonderfully overlapping--is that coincidence??-or is it truly God's way of saying, "I'm in the details of your life, child."
Spent one full hour crying with dear friend, Linda Pierce, in Rockford, Illinois.
Having wonderful girlfriends, is one of life's special gifts..........everyone needs at least a dozen!! I am so blessed by having so many women who pray for me, cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me, do stupid stuff with me, and yet still love me in spite of it all. Plus they all know how very much I love Steve, and tonight they are ALL holding their husbands a little tighter!!
Oh, to be able to repeat the stupid fights, the unkind words. We always think we have All the Time in the World..........and then this happens.
mj
We Need Help with Carpentry
Bob and I are ready to do some work on the bathroom floor, but we need a carpenter to level the floor to make it ready for the final flooring. I'm sure there must be someone who specializes in that area. We would like it down ASAP so Steve and MaryJo can have a nice floor to walk on. Sue's # 643-0626 Bob's #430-0228 Thanks so much!
Asking for a Miracle
Steve's doctors are very concerned about the amount of pain Steve might endure due to the lymphoma bearing down on his pelvic & hip bones, so they want to have everything in place if that should happen. So this afternoon at 5:00 pm., Steve will have an insert of temporary spinal epidural to be able to administer pain meds currently to the site when he needs them. After this round of chemo, they will insert a permanent spinal port where he will carry his pain meds around in a fanny pack and can administer the meds as he needs them.
Dr. McClusky, the pain specialist is a very kind, gentle man. I believe he may be a Christian, also. He is very supportive and wants to answer all our questions and be our guide 24/7 through these murky waters. He is very concerned about our living so many hours away from Providence hospital and wants to get a very detailed outline of providing home health nurses in our area before we even leave for home.
We know that God is in control, but we are praying for a Miracle and still covet all of your prayers.
Chemo is going OK--Steve's edema is starting to make his legs and feet really swollen, so it is very difficult for him to get up. We have him barricaded with pillows in his bed, trying to take the pressure off his hip, and elevating his legs. It's quite a process.
fyi: for those of you in the Oakland/Sutherlin area, we will be needing extra pillows for Steve's bed. If you have any extra in your home, could we borrow some?
If you'd mark your name on them, I'd return them to you. Right now at last count we have over a dozen surrounding Steve. We thought we could use the egg crate foam mat, put that hasn't worked for us.
Will speak with the cancer counsellor today, as I am running out of steam, and need some guidance.
Lynsey will be driving home over the weekend. Her last day at NNU was last Friday, as she is withdrawing from school to be with us. Please pray for driving mercies as her friends caravan with her to help bring her stuff home (she's my daughter, she has alot of stuff!!)
Please pray for Amanda, Steve & Faith, as they are anticipating Faith's 1st birthday later in the month. This is a very difficult time for them, wanting to celebrate and realizing how seriously ill Faith's grandpa is.
Thank you to Kathy & Darryl Ray for volunteering to haul off our old lumber and pipes for us. We are so appreciative of our great supportive friends.
mj
Dr. McClusky, the pain specialist is a very kind, gentle man. I believe he may be a Christian, also. He is very supportive and wants to answer all our questions and be our guide 24/7 through these murky waters. He is very concerned about our living so many hours away from Providence hospital and wants to get a very detailed outline of providing home health nurses in our area before we even leave for home.
We know that God is in control, but we are praying for a Miracle and still covet all of your prayers.
Chemo is going OK--Steve's edema is starting to make his legs and feet really swollen, so it is very difficult for him to get up. We have him barricaded with pillows in his bed, trying to take the pressure off his hip, and elevating his legs. It's quite a process.
fyi: for those of you in the Oakland/Sutherlin area, we will be needing extra pillows for Steve's bed. If you have any extra in your home, could we borrow some?
If you'd mark your name on them, I'd return them to you. Right now at last count we have over a dozen surrounding Steve. We thought we could use the egg crate foam mat, put that hasn't worked for us.
Will speak with the cancer counsellor today, as I am running out of steam, and need some guidance.
Lynsey will be driving home over the weekend. Her last day at NNU was last Friday, as she is withdrawing from school to be with us. Please pray for driving mercies as her friends caravan with her to help bring her stuff home (she's my daughter, she has alot of stuff!!)
Please pray for Amanda, Steve & Faith, as they are anticipating Faith's 1st birthday later in the month. This is a very difficult time for them, wanting to celebrate and realizing how seriously ill Faith's grandpa is.
Thank you to Kathy & Darryl Ray for volunteering to haul off our old lumber and pipes for us. We are so appreciative of our great supportive friends.
mj
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Steve's List for MJ and home -try #2
Mj wrote a detailed & emotional listing for the blog site and apparently only the heading was saved.
So here is a short snyoposis of the list that Steve needs for Mj and his home:
1)Beadboard needs to be put up behind the stove in the kitchen. There is beadboard in the garage, which will need to be painted and attached to the wall behind the stove.
2) Steve is concerned about the pool slide needing to be replaced. He thinks it is beyond repair. If someone knows of someone selling a pool slide, or how to obtain a slide at a reasonable price, please let us know. We priced them at our pool store and the cost is prohibitive to us at this point.
3)We have contracted with a plumber to help find the pipe under the house and get it re-reouted; but he may need to have some concrete cut by the pool to gain access to the pipe he'll connect.
4)Does someone have access to a beach home? The social worker and Dr. Nichols all emphasized that he need to take full advantage of Every day Steve feels good and would like to leave the house. We want to make as many memories as possible.
"It's not the number of breaths a person takes in his life. It's the number of moments that take your breath away"--and we want to achieve that!
We are making preparations in hopes that we'll NEVER need them. The social worker told us to make plans, place them in a manila envelope in a drawer and then years later discover them and say, "Can you believe that it's been ____years and we've NEVER needed them!!" We are holding to that promise, that we'll NEVER need them.
Steve is very positive and is more concerned about Mj and his girls, than himself. And we don't want him to be overwhelmed with the many details it takes to run a household. We want to keep him un-burdened by the many needs of an old house. We want all his strength to go toward fighting this cancer and not fighting the emotional stress of worrying how things are going to get done at our home.
We thank so many of you for providing items on "our list"--such as yard work, Project Smith in remodeling our bathroom, meals, wonderful supportive cards, emails and visits. making a ramp by the driveway for Steve to use his wheelchair/walker to get to our cars, hauling trash, supplies (protein bars, Dasani water, cookies, receipes), financial gifts, gas cards, phone cards. The list goes on and on..........we thank you from the depths of our hearts!!
Thank you Bob and Sue Adams for continuing helping Mj with the wallpaper & painting of our bathroom. Thank you also Patti for assisting them. Thank you Ken and Deana for picking up mattress for our bedroom.
We appreciate everyone prayers and we covet them more than ever. The Lord knows how many hairs we have on our head, and knows our days are numbered, as well. My prayer is that the Lord has lots of days left for Steve to be with our family!!!
much affection and thankfulness,
mj and Steve
So here is a short snyoposis of the list that Steve needs for Mj and his home:
1)Beadboard needs to be put up behind the stove in the kitchen. There is beadboard in the garage, which will need to be painted and attached to the wall behind the stove.
2) Steve is concerned about the pool slide needing to be replaced. He thinks it is beyond repair. If someone knows of someone selling a pool slide, or how to obtain a slide at a reasonable price, please let us know. We priced them at our pool store and the cost is prohibitive to us at this point.
3)We have contracted with a plumber to help find the pipe under the house and get it re-reouted; but he may need to have some concrete cut by the pool to gain access to the pipe he'll connect.
4)Does someone have access to a beach home? The social worker and Dr. Nichols all emphasized that he need to take full advantage of Every day Steve feels good and would like to leave the house. We want to make as many memories as possible.
"It's not the number of breaths a person takes in his life. It's the number of moments that take your breath away"--and we want to achieve that!
We are making preparations in hopes that we'll NEVER need them. The social worker told us to make plans, place them in a manila envelope in a drawer and then years later discover them and say, "Can you believe that it's been ____years and we've NEVER needed them!!" We are holding to that promise, that we'll NEVER need them.
Steve is very positive and is more concerned about Mj and his girls, than himself. And we don't want him to be overwhelmed with the many details it takes to run a household. We want to keep him un-burdened by the many needs of an old house. We want all his strength to go toward fighting this cancer and not fighting the emotional stress of worrying how things are going to get done at our home.
We thank so many of you for providing items on "our list"--such as yard work, Project Smith in remodeling our bathroom, meals, wonderful supportive cards, emails and visits. making a ramp by the driveway for Steve to use his wheelchair/walker to get to our cars, hauling trash, supplies (protein bars, Dasani water, cookies, receipes), financial gifts, gas cards, phone cards. The list goes on and on..........we thank you from the depths of our hearts!!
Thank you Bob and Sue Adams for continuing helping Mj with the wallpaper & painting of our bathroom. Thank you also Patti for assisting them. Thank you Ken and Deana for picking up mattress for our bedroom.
We appreciate everyone prayers and we covet them more than ever. The Lord knows how many hairs we have on our head, and knows our days are numbered, as well. My prayer is that the Lord has lots of days left for Steve to be with our family!!!
much affection and thankfulness,
mj and Steve
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Pray for a Miracle for Steve
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Today Dr. Nichols will meet with all of Steve's family and my sister, Debbie in Steve's room at Provindence Hospital to discuss with everyone the progression of Steve's lymphoma. The Dr had told us earlier on Thursday that Steve's lymphoma is spreading through his body faster than the cancer can kill it. So unless the Lord
makes a Miracle happen, we may not win this battle over cancer.
They will continue doing chemo and radiation as the lymphoma has spread in masses toward his hip and pelvic bone, causing a fracture, which is causing Steve alot of pain. Yesterday (Friday)he was in a "pain crisis" where they couldn't get enough pain medication to him to give him relief. Finally they gave him fentanyl and that seems to do it. So last night he slept for the first time in 3 days.
Due to the extreme amounts of pain mediation, he was hallucinating and that scared me, until the nurses reassured me that it was caused by the extreme amounts of opiods he was given.
The Dr wants to reassure us that they will do everything to make Steve symptom-free meaning they will give him lots of pain meds to give him relief, but that they can't give him enough chemo to kill the aggressive lymphoma.
This is going to be a very difficult meeting for all the family to hear. And no one wants to think about losing him.
We so appreciate everyone's prayers and support during this very difficult time for all of us.
mj
Today Dr. Nichols will meet with all of Steve's family and my sister, Debbie in Steve's room at Provindence Hospital to discuss with everyone the progression of Steve's lymphoma. The Dr had told us earlier on Thursday that Steve's lymphoma is spreading through his body faster than the cancer can kill it. So unless the Lord
makes a Miracle happen, we may not win this battle over cancer.
They will continue doing chemo and radiation as the lymphoma has spread in masses toward his hip and pelvic bone, causing a fracture, which is causing Steve alot of pain. Yesterday (Friday)he was in a "pain crisis" where they couldn't get enough pain medication to him to give him relief. Finally they gave him fentanyl and that seems to do it. So last night he slept for the first time in 3 days.
Due to the extreme amounts of pain mediation, he was hallucinating and that scared me, until the nurses reassured me that it was caused by the extreme amounts of opiods he was given.
The Dr wants to reassure us that they will do everything to make Steve symptom-free meaning they will give him lots of pain meds to give him relief, but that they can't give him enough chemo to kill the aggressive lymphoma.
This is going to be a very difficult meeting for all the family to hear. And no one wants to think about losing him.
We so appreciate everyone's prayers and support during this very difficult time for all of us.
mj
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Steve in hospital and latest information
We saw Dr. Ottenheimer/Roseburg Tuesday afternoon for blood test. Dr. Nichols was very concerned over Steve's hip pain and his trouble walking. So he confered with Dr. Nichols and we headed back to Portland Tuesday night vx. our supposed chemo treatment date on Thursday.
Steve's hip pain as advanced to the severity he had in December. And we haven't been able to control the pain with our pain meds. Plus he is having trouble walking and we are using the wheelchair more. He is dragging his foot as well. So added up, Dr wanted to see Steve asap.
He arrived Tuesday night late (midnight) and a battery of tests were scheduled. But only the CT-Scan was done, due to his hip pain and his inability to lie still on the bed for tests.
Thursday AM:2/28/08
Still no news on the CT-Scan-Dr. Nichols came in to see Steve, but he didn't address the results of the findings. He wants to do more testing.
In the meantime, Steve started having very bad pain about 9:30 p.m. last night and we've been up all night fighting the pain. He's hooked up
to a morphine drip machine, they give him oxycodone every hour, and they put shots of morphine into his IV every 3 hours. He's in such pain
that he can't lie in bed--due to the pain in his hip. So I figured out how to arrange pillows in one of his hospital room chairs. So for the past hour
he's sleeping in the chair, with his legs outstretched onto the bed. He's probably gotten around an hour of sleep the entire night and only 2-3 hours
in the past 48 hours. We are both so exhausted and that isn't a good thing!
So the nurses are calling the doctor on call for more pain meds and different ideas of how to control the pain, since it has come on so fast!
They may try accupunture and other alternative ways of pain management. They are calling in a pain management guy today.
I finally left the hospital at 5:15 a.m and he looked like he might be sleeping. So I am asking for continued prayer that the DR figure out
how to control the pain, what is the cause (other than cancer in the hip area) and how they are going to treat it.
Steve is in room 713 in the new Cancer Care unit at Providence, but I really don't want him to receive phone calls until he gets more
sleep and they get the pain managed.
God is on the Throne and I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds Our future!!
Thanks so much for your prayers and wonderful loving support. As I get more information I'll let all of you know.
Steve's hip pain as advanced to the severity he had in December. And we haven't been able to control the pain with our pain meds. Plus he is having trouble walking and we are using the wheelchair more. He is dragging his foot as well. So added up, Dr wanted to see Steve asap.
He arrived Tuesday night late (midnight) and a battery of tests were scheduled. But only the CT-Scan was done, due to his hip pain and his inability to lie still on the bed for tests.
Thursday AM:2/28/08
Still no news on the CT-Scan-Dr. Nichols came in to see Steve, but he didn't address the results of the findings. He wants to do more testing.
In the meantime, Steve started having very bad pain about 9:30 p.m. last night and we've been up all night fighting the pain. He's hooked up
to a morphine drip machine, they give him oxycodone every hour, and they put shots of morphine into his IV every 3 hours. He's in such pain
that he can't lie in bed--due to the pain in his hip. So I figured out how to arrange pillows in one of his hospital room chairs. So for the past hour
he's sleeping in the chair, with his legs outstretched onto the bed. He's probably gotten around an hour of sleep the entire night and only 2-3 hours
in the past 48 hours. We are both so exhausted and that isn't a good thing!
So the nurses are calling the doctor on call for more pain meds and different ideas of how to control the pain, since it has come on so fast!
They may try accupunture and other alternative ways of pain management. They are calling in a pain management guy today.
I finally left the hospital at 5:15 a.m and he looked like he might be sleeping. So I am asking for continued prayer that the DR figure out
how to control the pain, what is the cause (other than cancer in the hip area) and how they are going to treat it.
Steve is in room 713 in the new Cancer Care unit at Providence, but I really don't want him to receive phone calls until he gets more
sleep and they get the pain managed.
God is on the Throne and I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds Our future!!
Thanks so much for your prayers and wonderful loving support. As I get more information I'll let all of you know.
Monday, February 25, 2008
List updates from Sunday--Praise the Lord He continues to bless us!!
OK--so I added some information to the blog and ran out of time to finish and edit. So I will try to make additions to you all and then edit the blog site:
Re; the list--here are the updates on that:
We have received many phone CARDS--& calls- so we thank Matt, Deana, Ellis & Mary for their generosity.
Jay & Cheryl Northam have consented to making a concrete addition to our sidewalk near our back driveway. Which will make it easier for Steve to navigate his
wheelchair and/or walker. Thank you so much!!
My wonderful girlfriends, Patti Long and Barb Moore came over Sunday afternoon and we decorated for Easter. Thank you both for making my heart smile!!!\
Easter is a time of re-birth and life--so I want to celebrate that event, by surrounding myself with Easter items. (It's a girl thing, I imagine..........)
The ESD is planning the Blood Drive on April 4 @ the ESD in Rsbg and are also planning a Garage Sale on Saturday, April 5 as a fundraiser for Steve.
Poor Steve is so overwhelmed with everyone's generosity & he is having trouble comprehending it. We are both so awed by the very love we feel from our friends & family.
RE: the kitchen table & chair set--still no picture to share with you--it is a wood round pedestal table w/leaf and it had very whimsical chairs. I know-- who describes chairs as whimsical?? Remember I'm under stress--so just bear with me. Deana (my sister-in-law) checks craigslist daily trying to find something that kinda resembles it--but no luck yet. So I still have the round kitchen table set on my List--but who knows I may go to my grave--with that set on my List.
Steve is getting weaker and more frail each day as the chemo starts wearing on his poor body. We are only at round # 3--so I pray that the Lord will give him added strength to withstand the next coming treatments. His hip is starting to hurt him--so I'm nervous about that. The doctors reassured me that the pain in his right hip would subside after the chemo and it did, but it's returning. There was cancer found in his right hip bone, in addition to the Central Nervous System.
But through all of this, he is very positive, says he feels good-- just fatigued and weak. He loves to have company and even though it tires him out--he really enjoys seeing his friends!!
Still plan on leaving Thursday for Dr. Nichols appt and hopefully be admitted to start the next round.
good night,
mj & steve
Re; the list--here are the updates on that:
We have received many phone CARDS--& calls- so we thank Matt, Deana, Ellis & Mary for their generosity.
Jay & Cheryl Northam have consented to making a concrete addition to our sidewalk near our back driveway. Which will make it easier for Steve to navigate his
wheelchair and/or walker. Thank you so much!!
My wonderful girlfriends, Patti Long and Barb Moore came over Sunday afternoon and we decorated for Easter. Thank you both for making my heart smile!!!\
Easter is a time of re-birth and life--so I want to celebrate that event, by surrounding myself with Easter items. (It's a girl thing, I imagine..........)
The ESD is planning the Blood Drive on April 4 @ the ESD in Rsbg and are also planning a Garage Sale on Saturday, April 5 as a fundraiser for Steve.
Poor Steve is so overwhelmed with everyone's generosity & he is having trouble comprehending it. We are both so awed by the very love we feel from our friends & family.
RE: the kitchen table & chair set--still no picture to share with you--it is a wood round pedestal table w/leaf and it had very whimsical chairs. I know-- who describes chairs as whimsical?? Remember I'm under stress--so just bear with me. Deana (my sister-in-law) checks craigslist daily trying to find something that kinda resembles it--but no luck yet. So I still have the round kitchen table set on my List--but who knows I may go to my grave--with that set on my List.
Steve is getting weaker and more frail each day as the chemo starts wearing on his poor body. We are only at round # 3--so I pray that the Lord will give him added strength to withstand the next coming treatments. His hip is starting to hurt him--so I'm nervous about that. The doctors reassured me that the pain in his right hip would subside after the chemo and it did, but it's returning. There was cancer found in his right hip bone, in addition to the Central Nervous System.
But through all of this, he is very positive, says he feels good-- just fatigued and weak. He loves to have company and even though it tires him out--he really enjoys seeing his friends!!
Still plan on leaving Thursday for Dr. Nichols appt and hopefully be admitted to start the next round.
good night,
mj & steve
It's Spring and Time for a Rummage Sale!
Here is a great way to clear out your old and make some money for the Smiths! The ESD is holding a Rummage Sale on Saturday, April 5th in their front parking lot. The first sign of spring brings in fresh air, flowers and money exchanging hands! Help them out by donating some goods and a chat for a worthy family.
Please contact Andrea at the ESD at 957-4849.
Please contact Andrea at the ESD at 957-4849.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Rita's List
Rita with ESD has been working hard to get some projects under way. In addition to the blood drive, she is also heading up a few groups:
Yard work crew
Money collection
Water and snack collection
If anyone is interested in helping, please contact her at 957-4838
Yard work crew
Money collection
Water and snack collection
If anyone is interested in helping, please contact her at 957-4838
Praise the Lord the following items are no longer needed:
***Wheelchair--thank you ESD!!
***Yard work is being accomplished as I am writing this to you--thank you Sue & Tray Williams
***Phone Calls have arrived almost daily--thank you Deana & Matt.
***Protein bars are arriving and wonderful recipes included. Thank you Bob & Diane Dunas, Joan Forbess, Gail Francis, & hopefully I haven't forgotten someone else. Stay tuned and I will thank you!!!
***Gas money from Church on the Rise (Nazarene Church, Roseburg)
***Financial gifts--We'll thank you personally.
***Blood Drive at the ESD on April 4 & if you can't go to the ESD on that date, the Red Cross in Rsbg is holding a Saturday Blood Drive on March 15. You can give blood "in honor of Steve Smith"--somehow he is given credit for the blood received in his name. As we are using blood twice a week, he is using alot of blood. More information follows. Call Rita Snyder at the ESD for more information. 957-4838.
***House cleaning periodically by Staci Just--thanks--you are such a dear for remembering me.
***Re: table and chair set. It was a wood round pedestal table with 4 chairs--
***Yard work is being accomplished as I am writing this to you--thank you Sue & Tray Williams
***Phone Calls have arrived almost daily--thank you Deana & Matt.
***Protein bars are arriving and wonderful recipes included. Thank you Bob & Diane Dunas, Joan Forbess, Gail Francis, & hopefully I haven't forgotten someone else. Stay tuned and I will thank you!!!
***Gas money from Church on the Rise (Nazarene Church, Roseburg)
***Financial gifts--We'll thank you personally.
***Blood Drive at the ESD on April 4 & if you can't go to the ESD on that date, the Red Cross in Rsbg is holding a Saturday Blood Drive on March 15. You can give blood "in honor of Steve Smith"--somehow he is given credit for the blood received in his name. As we are using blood twice a week, he is using alot of blood. More information follows. Call Rita Snyder at the ESD for more information. 957-4838.
***House cleaning periodically by Staci Just--thanks--you are such a dear for remembering me.
***Re: table and chair set. It was a wood round pedestal table with 4 chairs--
Steve's possibly heading for Portland 2/28
We have a doctor appt at Providence in Portland on Thursday--no idea if we'll stay for the next round or not.If blood counts are not to their liking--they will send us back home and we'll have to wait to start Chemo #3More news to come on website. When we get a room phone #--we'll post on this site.thanks for prayers,
love,mj and Steve
love,mj and Steve
Friday, February 22, 2008
Much Needed Items
So many of you have responded with overwhelming kindness to my "list assignment". So many of you told me that you had been waiting to help and needed help with how you could help us. It's been hard--trying to be open and honest with our needs. God has been good to us, but we know that He is using you as His hands.
First I am going to list the very practical needs that the lymphoma society said that every cancer patient who is going through chemo needs (esp. ones that go out of town for their treatments, as we are going to Ptld routinely)
**Gas Cards are very practical and extremely useful--as we travel to Portland and back many times during the months for treatments.
**Gift Cards for restaurants, as Mj is living in Ptld for 7-10 days at a time -- this would offset our expenses
**Gift Cards to Stores, e.g. Target, Wal-Mart, Costco, for the 101 needs of being away from home and for items needed during this stressful time.
**Phone cards--so Steve can use to call out of hospital.
**Give Blood --if you can. The ESD is trying to set up a Blood Drive, where blood can be donated "in honor of Steve Smith" Blood is always needed and it truly is a gift that "keeps on giving"
Mj's list:
**A list of men that I can call on to take Steve to Dr.'s appts in Roseburg or Portland.
**Dasani bottled water --Steve's favorite brand of water. I try to purchase it on Sale. If somone could purchase it on sale, I could reimbuse them.
**Protein bars, granola bars, fruit bars with nuts--anything with protein that might taste good. Steve desperately needs protein.
**Wal-Mart brand of pretzels with peanut butter inside--he just tried them and really liked them. Steve's appetite is still good and we try to make him eat 5-6 small meals daily. He cannot eat fruit without a peel. And no fresh vegetables, only cooked ones. Plus he craves sweets, so the Walkers baked us their healthy cookies, that Steve devoured. So Oatmeal Raisin cookies, are a good bet.
**Help in cleaning our swimming pool this spring.
**Yard work--cutting roses back, trimming trees, mowing lawn etc.
Steve's list:
**Help Mj with housework. (Even if she says she can do it, please insist that she except your help!) Vacuuming, dusting, mopping floors esp. during the remodel we have lots of added dust bunnies. Boxes are stacked everywhere until we get the remodel finished. (Ask to help with Easter decorations--she'll balk, but insist!)
**MJ loves flowers--she loves geraniums, and lost all of her baskets of flowers due to the cold and frost this winter. She plants dozens of pots around the patio and pool area. Her free time in the spring is digging in the dirt. That is one outlet, I'd like her to be able to continue.
**As many of you are aware, MJ had her heart set on a round table and chair set for our kitchen. The lady promised it to her before we left for the hospital and while we were away, the woman gave it to her sister-in-law. Even though MJ tried to give her a deposit,etc. She still elected to give it away to someone else, knowing MJ was caring for me in hospital with chemo. MJ has been searching craigslist for months trying to find the "perfect set"and she finally found one ( then destroyed my Valentine gift to her in the process!)
So if any of you hear about an unusual round table and chair set for sale would you please think of MJ and let us know. The set was antique and unusual--no brand name given. Sorry I'm not much help. I only saw a picture.
Our emotional/spiritual/financial needs:
**Please pray for strength to fight the battle. Courage to not give up Hope. Pray for our girls as they wrestle with the seriousness of their father's illness.
**Please pray for Lynsey at NNU--she is so conflicted about staying vs. coming home. Please pray for financial resources to pay for the final few months of college. ( MJ had planned on working this spring to handle the remaining tuition payments. )
God is in control and knows our needs, please pray that this need will be a handled in such a way to give Him honor.
**Please pray for MJ as she continues to care for Steve. Give her strength to know when to ask for help and more importantly, to take the help. She cannot go 24/7 taking care of me.
**(Only those of you who ever owed an old house will understand this request): Please pray that we can get assistance from plumber to help find the pipe under our house. We need to replace the old clay pipes under the house, before we can proceed with the remodel job. The floor cannot be finished until the pipe is found and new one is secured. This has been an ongoing problem and we are on borrowed time. If the tree roots start growing into the clay pipes, we'll have major problems. We are so blessed to have had Project Smith go so well, we just need to have the final piece in place, so we can finish painting, papering, etc. to get this final project finished. (This is a major emotional issue for MJ--we have talked about getting this done this Spring for months and now with my illness, it is taking a much longer time to finish!)
**Pray that the enemy doesn't set up camp in our midst, with discouragement, doubts, major household repairs, illness, etc. Please pray that our home can be a sanctuary during this very difficult time.
**Pray for MJ's back pain, the more stress she endures, the greater the pain. Enough said.
We will continue to share with you the answered prayers and how God has shown His love to us as we obeyed by presenting our needs to His peope.
love,
mj and steve
First I am going to list the very practical needs that the lymphoma society said that every cancer patient who is going through chemo needs (esp. ones that go out of town for their treatments, as we are going to Ptld routinely)
**Gas Cards are very practical and extremely useful--as we travel to Portland and back many times during the months for treatments.
**Gift Cards for restaurants, as Mj is living in Ptld for 7-10 days at a time -- this would offset our expenses
**Gift Cards to Stores, e.g. Target, Wal-Mart, Costco, for the 101 needs of being away from home and for items needed during this stressful time.
**Phone cards--so Steve can use to call out of hospital.
**Give Blood --if you can. The ESD is trying to set up a Blood Drive, where blood can be donated "in honor of Steve Smith" Blood is always needed and it truly is a gift that "keeps on giving"
Mj's list:
**A list of men that I can call on to take Steve to Dr.'s appts in Roseburg or Portland.
**Dasani bottled water --Steve's favorite brand of water. I try to purchase it on Sale. If somone could purchase it on sale, I could reimbuse them.
**Protein bars, granola bars, fruit bars with nuts--anything with protein that might taste good. Steve desperately needs protein.
**Wal-Mart brand of pretzels with peanut butter inside--he just tried them and really liked them. Steve's appetite is still good and we try to make him eat 5-6 small meals daily. He cannot eat fruit without a peel. And no fresh vegetables, only cooked ones. Plus he craves sweets, so the Walkers baked us their healthy cookies, that Steve devoured. So Oatmeal Raisin cookies, are a good bet.
**Help in cleaning our swimming pool this spring.
**Yard work--cutting roses back, trimming trees, mowing lawn etc.
Steve's list:
**Help Mj with housework. (Even if she says she can do it, please insist that she except your help!) Vacuuming, dusting, mopping floors esp. during the remodel we have lots of added dust bunnies. Boxes are stacked everywhere until we get the remodel finished. (Ask to help with Easter decorations--she'll balk, but insist!)
**MJ loves flowers--she loves geraniums, and lost all of her baskets of flowers due to the cold and frost this winter. She plants dozens of pots around the patio and pool area. Her free time in the spring is digging in the dirt. That is one outlet, I'd like her to be able to continue.
**As many of you are aware, MJ had her heart set on a round table and chair set for our kitchen. The lady promised it to her before we left for the hospital and while we were away, the woman gave it to her sister-in-law. Even though MJ tried to give her a deposit,etc. She still elected to give it away to someone else, knowing MJ was caring for me in hospital with chemo. MJ has been searching craigslist for months trying to find the "perfect set"and she finally found one ( then destroyed my Valentine gift to her in the process!)
So if any of you hear about an unusual round table and chair set for sale would you please think of MJ and let us know. The set was antique and unusual--no brand name given. Sorry I'm not much help. I only saw a picture.
Our emotional/spiritual/financial needs:
**Please pray for strength to fight the battle. Courage to not give up Hope. Pray for our girls as they wrestle with the seriousness of their father's illness.
**Please pray for Lynsey at NNU--she is so conflicted about staying vs. coming home. Please pray for financial resources to pay for the final few months of college. ( MJ had planned on working this spring to handle the remaining tuition payments. )
God is in control and knows our needs, please pray that this need will be a handled in such a way to give Him honor.
**Please pray for MJ as she continues to care for Steve. Give her strength to know when to ask for help and more importantly, to take the help. She cannot go 24/7 taking care of me.
**(Only those of you who ever owed an old house will understand this request): Please pray that we can get assistance from plumber to help find the pipe under our house. We need to replace the old clay pipes under the house, before we can proceed with the remodel job. The floor cannot be finished until the pipe is found and new one is secured. This has been an ongoing problem and we are on borrowed time. If the tree roots start growing into the clay pipes, we'll have major problems. We are so blessed to have had Project Smith go so well, we just need to have the final piece in place, so we can finish painting, papering, etc. to get this final project finished. (This is a major emotional issue for MJ--we have talked about getting this done this Spring for months and now with my illness, it is taking a much longer time to finish!)
**Pray that the enemy doesn't set up camp in our midst, with discouragement, doubts, major household repairs, illness, etc. Please pray that our home can be a sanctuary during this very difficult time.
**Pray for MJ's back pain, the more stress she endures, the greater the pain. Enough said.
We will continue to share with you the answered prayers and how God has shown His love to us as we obeyed by presenting our needs to His peope.
love,
mj and steve
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