Hope.................Or the Loss of..................

Haven't written since my blog posting Easter night. In that blog I noted that we had planned on going to Portland for an appt. with Dr. Nichols and later in the day attend a PERS meeting for Steve's Early Retirement.

Needless to say, we made neither.

As we were attempting to get out the door, Steve's blood pressure plummeted so severely that I knew I needed to seek professional help immediately. So called 911 and the paramedics took him to Mercy Hospital/Roseburg. They got him stablized and released us at 1:00 p.m.

So we came home and I am left with all kinds of thoughts, doubts. What do I do next? He is so very weak. His blood pressure is all over the place--high, low. He can't walk, and he has so much faith that he'll return to Portland to continue chemo treatments, once he feels better. What do I do? Where do I go for help? Help Lord!!

After more than 3 days without sleep, due to his pain level. He is up each peeing and being in pain..........so therefore I am up all night as well.

I called Dr. Ottenheimer on Tuesday AM to get some direction and was told that no matter which hospital we took Steve to--they would all do the same thing...........keep him comfortable. He isn't strong enough for more chemo and couldn't stand it! The illness is progressing too quickly.
And we can keep him comfortable from home by having Mercy Home Health/Hospice come to our home.

So today (Wednesday 3/26) Sally came with her Hospice Hat on and assessed Steve's condition. His pain and his needing narcotic pain meds for his epidural pain pump puts him in the hospice plan. Dr. Ottenheimer does NOT want Steve give up Hope--however unless God performs a Miracle, Hospice will be with us until the end. Dr. Ottenheimer told me to tell Steve, "if a Miracle happens and you start feeliing better and you have the strength to continue chemo in Portland, we'll pull the Hospice team and you can go forth..............never give up Hope!! However, the Dr's know that the cancer is winning--not us! But we Smith's continue believing that God is the God of the 11th Hour and can heal Steve. And if it gives Steve the will to strive and get better--I am NOT about to dash that thought!!!

This is so hard and only going to get harder and much more difficult. This isn't the way Steve or I planned our retirement years. I don't know how to live without the man I've loved for over 31 years. Where do I go, what do I do????????? And without Steve holding my hand..........I fear I don't want to go on............

Small evidences of miracles.............The PERS folks told him that since I couldn't attend our missed meeting on Monday--the only date they had left was May 7th--I told them "my husband may not be alive on May 7th!" And after much conversation, Andy (the PERS) guy suggested we could hold a phone interview right then and there. We went through each PERS form and he even emailed me the ones I was missing. So today I mailed all of the paperwork in. God knew I needed that paperwork in to start Steve's Early retirement. And hopefully Steve will live long enough so that I don't miss out on his retirement pension checks. There is a time element that if Steve dies sometime before his retirement date, I miss out a large portion. So this is also in the Lord's Hands!!

Steve's folks found that they have 2 extra burial plots in Myrtle Creek available. Is that a coincidence? I elect to think not. Small miracles. Not the big ones, I truly wish for, but small ones each day to let me know that God is still on the Throne and caring for us.

SO many friends calling, coming to visit, sending cards, emails. All wanting to help, lend a hand, be a shoulder. Thank you!! Without you I couldn't go on.............trying to care for Steve 24/7.

Steve is very weak. Many of you are wanting to visit. I really don't know what to tell you. He is too weak to leave our home. He couldn't attend Faith's 1st birthday (Faith is our first and only grandchild). And grandpa is one doting grandfather NOT to miss a birthday of one so precious!! However, he wasn't strong enough to even leave
our home. So please be patient with us. I know you want to see him, so please call ahead to see if he is strong enough to receive visitors. Or even phone calls, alot of times he'll say "I'm too tired to even talk."

Hope.............we all elect to hang on to Hope!! Without it we are lost...............so we elect to continue hoping for a Miracle. And if we can't receive the Miracle we wish for.................My prayer is "Please Lord, don't let Steve suffer!! He is too precious a man to suffer. Please Lord!! "

good night,
mj and Steve