I continue to walk through sludge. I enter rooms not knowing if I'm just passing through or had planned on doing something wonderful! Life continues on a slow path of pain and despair as we walk this path of grief. I have a stack of books on grief that lie resident on Steve's side of the bed. I read until I fall asleep. I devour these books looking for someone/something to give me hope. So far I haven't found much hope. I read "life will never be as it was" "your life will slowly evolve into a new life that you devise for yourself:--how inspiring. My life with Steve is no longer and I'm to "evolve into something" how exciting!! Do I wake up one morning and say "I think I'll become a scientist" Or I'll take up belly dancing--
I am so sad, so alone, so devastated by the enormonity that I will no longer be loved the way I've been loved for the past 31 years. I feel that a part of my body should be missing..........the hole in my heart continues to bleed and pour all over the ground and no one even notices!
Lynsey and I live together in this large house and we are so much alike that we are in constant battle with each other. Each expressing our grief in a way that makes the other mad. I hear Steve whispering in my ear, "Relax honey, you two are so much alike--it'll be OK." I miss his wisdom, his slow delicious wit. I miss the teasing, the little jokes that only we could enjoy and smile. Where do I but this need?? The books don't address how we are to continue on missing the very essence of our love.
The book says God is our Comforter. I have yet to feel the comfort. I only experience His silence. I don't believe God is present at this time. I felt Him when Steve was so ill and knew that He walked beside us. But since Steve has died, I have yet to feel the love and comfort of the Lord. Did he disappear with Steve?
I feel that my girls & I are sailing in a boat where the waves threaten to overtake us and threaten to drown us in the deep dark seas.
Some days I welcome that thought. Other days I worry there is disaster around the corner coming from another onslaught. Every day brings new devastation. PERS, insurance items. Steve was such a great administrator and wanted to leave us financially OK. Unfortunately, the best laid plans have started to unravel. Lord where are you? Each phone call, each letter, bring a few more depressing pieces of
uncertainty that we will be OK.
We've given our lives to the Lord. He took away my love, my future and right now I fear for my present.
mj
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Learning how to live a life without the love my life!
It's been 4 weeks since Steve left to be with God and it's been hell on earth for me.
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.
I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.
Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.
People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.
Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.
If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.
Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.
mj
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.
I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.
Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.
People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.
Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.
If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.
Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.
mj
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