It's been 4 weeks since Steve left to be with God and it's been hell on earth for me.
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.
I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.
Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.
People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.
Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.
If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.
Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.
mj
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3 comments:
MaryJo,
I check your blog here frequently and long to hear how you are doing. Keep writing girl, keep pouring your heart out. I'm not gonna offer any advice but one true fact...God is loving and faithful....you know that, I know. But just keep venting!
With love,
Linda Ray
I love you Mommy, I know how you feel towards God. I still feel that way. I wonder how so many horrible things have happened to such good people and why we are the ones who have to deal with an empty heart. How he took away my innocence and made me face the brutal world without a moments notice. How he made me grow up so quickly and now alone. I love you.
Alexi
MJ! We love you soo much. I wish that were advice or something to make it better. I don't know any of it. I hate to speak from the position of having Shaun, but I do hurt so much for you. We love you so so much.
Keep venting, keep being honest and just know you AREN'T alone. It may not be the same thing as a companion but we do all love you greatly and don't want to lose you either. Our hearts broke with Steve and don't want to lose you.
We love you and your whole family.
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