Mired down

I continue to walk through sludge. I enter rooms not knowing if I'm just passing through or had planned on doing something wonderful! Life continues on a slow path of pain and despair as we walk this path of grief. I have a stack of books on grief that lie resident on Steve's side of the bed. I read until I fall asleep. I devour these books looking for someone/something to give me hope. So far I haven't found much hope. I read "life will never be as it was" "your life will slowly evolve into a new life that you devise for yourself:--how inspiring. My life with Steve is no longer and I'm to "evolve into something" how exciting!! Do I wake up one morning and say "I think I'll become a scientist" Or I'll take up belly dancing--

I am so sad, so alone, so devastated by the enormonity that I will no longer be loved the way I've been loved for the past 31 years. I feel that a part of my body should be missing..........the hole in my heart continues to bleed and pour all over the ground and no one even notices!

Lynsey and I live together in this large house and we are so much alike that we are in constant battle with each other. Each expressing our grief in a way that makes the other mad. I hear Steve whispering in my ear, "Relax honey, you two are so much alike--it'll be OK." I miss his wisdom, his slow delicious wit. I miss the teasing, the little jokes that only we could enjoy and smile. Where do I but this need?? The books don't address how we are to continue on missing the very essence of our love.

The book says God is our Comforter. I have yet to feel the comfort. I only experience His silence. I don't believe God is present at this time. I felt Him when Steve was so ill and knew that He walked beside us. But since Steve has died, I have yet to feel the love and comfort of the Lord. Did he disappear with Steve?

I feel that my girls & I are sailing in a boat where the waves threaten to overtake us and threaten to drown us in the deep dark seas.
Some days I welcome that thought. Other days I worry there is disaster around the corner coming from another onslaught. Every day brings new devastation. PERS, insurance items. Steve was such a great administrator and wanted to leave us financially OK. Unfortunately, the best laid plans have started to unravel. Lord where are you? Each phone call, each letter, bring a few more depressing pieces of
uncertainty that we will be OK.

We've given our lives to the Lord. He took away my love, my future and right now I fear for my present.

mj