two months without Steve

It's been two months since Steve's death. It's still hard to even say the word "death" and not feel this terrible pang in my chest. Yes, he's gone and how I wish I were gone as well. The longing pain is terrible. I cry daily and then try to take another step. I never knew the pain would be so sharp and so intense. The loneliness without him is so hard. I miss him so badly. Knowing that I will never have this wonderful man beside me is the hardest emotion to grasp. I don't believe I'll ever fully appreciate how very devastating his death is going to be for the rest of my life.

I continue to read books on grief and may attend my first grief support group next week. I wonder if I'll ever love again. I feel so empty and wonder if I'll ever be whole again. A big part of me is missing and I don't know where I go to get that part back or if I'll ever be whole again.

Household repairs are starting to show their ugly face. I can't manage the pool without Steve. It's an old system and the filter and pump are so old, they need to be replaced. That will be an expensive project and scares me to death. And of course I don't know how to work the sytem like Steve did, because that was Steve's job and I never paid attention.

The Smith family has been so wonderful. This past weekend, May 31, they all came out in mass to do a whole day of "extreme home makeover for mj's house". Many of you have been hearing about the "illusive pipe under the kitchen/bathroom floor that Steve has been digging for years". Well, the pipe problem finally got fixed, thanks to a wonderful plumber and a gentlemen on an excavator. These guys came out on the hottest day of the year and proceeded to tear down my front fence, ripped off my side deck of the house, just to get close enough to the back of the house to find the pipe leading under the house.

After all was said and done, the project got finished. Praise the Lord!! Sandy, the excavator driver wouldn't allow me to pay him. I was so thankful for his kindness. And Darrin, the plumber only took a portion of what he would have been paid. So I am so thankful that wonderful people have stepped in during this painful time.

Then my girlfriend, Kathy Gagnon, from Boise drove over to help me clean out closets, rooms,& garage. Going through stuff, boxing items up, storing them in a storage unit, getting items ready for garage sale/or Goodwill. Plus we made many trips to the dump. She was such a wonderful gift from God. I can't walk through a room and know what to do with a piece of paper, let alone know how to make massive decisions on where years of accummulations should go. Thank you Kathy!! You'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me.

Then on Saturday, May 31, the Smith clan showed up in mass to put things back together for me. Craig and the other Smith brothers cut down my mimosa tree at front of the house. The roots were causing problems with the pipes to the sidewalk, so we needed to eliminate that. So the tree came down. Then they built me a new front fence, new fence gate, and placed a new arbor in front of the gate. It looks great. They even painted the fence, so it looks finished. Planted a clematis on each side of arbor and hopefully will grow quickly to cover the arbor that is Plastic and NOT historic. When you live in Oakland and live in a historic house, the historic commission asks that you abide by rules of NOT using plastic, since plastic ISN'T historic!! Oh well, plastic doesn't rot during the Oregon rains.

Then the guys shoveled 3-4 yards of sand to put under the concrete that Steve spend hours of digging out to find the stupid pipe that wasn't where he thought it was. So lots of sand had to be filled in.

Then the guys tore off my upper deck outside my bedroom and replaced the floor and railings. The job was almost finished, but we were 4 spindles short. So when the spindles are replaced, we can paint and stain the deck.

The gals in the meantime, put my wallpaper border up in my bathroom. It looks sharp. Thanks to Deana, Debbie, Sasha, Emily and Grandma Charlene. They got'er done!!

So it was a long day. An emotinal day without Steve. I am so used to Craig, Lee and Steve bantering to each other about "measure twice, cut once". Or who's slacking and who's not! Plus they were always kidding each other and every one else. I missed that. And so I cried most of the day, knowing Steve would be so proud of his family and all the hard work they did for me and our home.

Then Mitch and Ken (Deana's finance) were tying to assist me in trying to get my pool filter and pump to work. That's a tiring job and one I am praying that the Lord will help me find an answer. I've had Rob the pool serviceman out, but I can't seem to get the problem fixed.

So just the many trying issues of learning how to live in an old house without my man and his guidance.

Steve is going to be awarded the COSA Presidents Award in Seaside, Oregon on June 19.
I have rented a beach house for the family to come and stay throughout the weekend to be with me. Being able to hear the wonderful things that will be said about Steve is comforting to me. I know how wonderful he was and is. So it'll be great to hear Scott Perry, the president of COSA reaffirm what we all know to be true.

The days are hard. Nothing seems to help.

I am so thankful for friends who step up to assist me. Even when I don't know that I need the assistance. I am so thankful for family who love me during this very painful process. I'm thankful that Steve's family is so caring, so hard working, so aware of the needs of my home, and how overwhelmed I am with the magnitude of caring for a historic home.

Please pray for Lynsey. She is suffering and acting out in ways that are not healthy. Please pray that I can follow in Steve's lead, what Steve would have done. What wisdom he would have shown. These times are tough.

I pray for guidance and wisdom in making decisions on this house. I pray that I can find someone to assist me with the pool, with the side deck in rebuilding it and making a courtyard. Debbie, my sister, has a picture in her head of how to make a courtyard and a memorial garden to Steve. So I pray that we can finish that project without me getting overwhelmed.

mj