Steve's Memorial Service and Celebratory Reception

I want to thank all of you who were able to attend Saturday's services. We were so blessed to have so many friends and family in attendance. I am just sorry that I was not able to personally thank everyone in person for attending. Steve would have been genuinely overwhelmed by the many accolades that were given in his honor. The tributes were so gracious and kind (and True)!! Steve loved the Lord and he loved his family and friends. And his greatest wish would be to see everyone again in Heaven with him.

The hard begins for myself and my girls in learning to live a life without him. The ache is very real and very harsh. I have to remember to breathe in and out. And at times I wish I couldn't breathe and could be with him. And in those moments, I know that Steve gave me the task to care for "our girls and grandchild". I miss him so much and don't know how I will live life without him. He was the most caring, kind and generous man. He loved me like no one else ever has or ever will. And to view the rest of my days without him is probably the hardest reality I face. I am angry with God for taking away my soul mate and lover, but realize that I didn't want him to suffer as he had the last night before his death. God answered my prayer and took him home. But the giant hole is so large and my pain so great!!

My friend, Linda Pierce, from Rockford has stayed with me and will return home to Rockford on Thursday. Then I will be all alone and trying to fill the many empty hours of being without Steve.

Lynsey has enrolled in our community college and will be staying at home. But she is dealing with her grief by keeping so busy she can't think.

Amanda is dealing with her grief by crying and spending time with me as much as she can while working and caring for Faith.

I'm not sure what to say.......how does one adjust to life without someone as dynamic a person as Steve? What do I do with my life? How do I care for this huge house by myself? Do I stay in my home? Do I stay in Douglas County?

I feel like I'm walking in sludge. I can't think. I can't process information. I walk into rooms not sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I have lots of busy work to do, e.g life insurance issues, taxes to work on, dig out my house after months of being away from home, try to find a rhythm to life without Steve and
as half a couple, trying to stay sane, & make tear soup. I talked to many of you about the book "Tear Soup" and in reading the book,I realize that time and tears will be my only solace. This journey is not one I recommend for anyone. Plus this journey needs to be taken alone, and occasionally with the help of friends and family.

As I remember the "list" I needed to ask help of. I think of other needs of a widow. There should be a list for widows who are walking this strange & difficult journey alone. Being responsible for a house when your mate was the one in charge of all things mechanical, repairable, and fixable. A daunting task, a task I don't relish doing. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the immense charge of speaking wisdom to my daughters. Words that Steve used so eloquently to them. The quiet strength he had in every situation. Please Lord, what do I do?

I know not what my future holds............but am hopeful that the Lord will hold my hand in the future without Steve.

much love,
mj